Snake Rattle and Roll

 

When you think of "the worst NES games" what usually comes to mind?

Silver Surfer?

Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde?

Action 52?

Yeah, screw all that, THIS is the worst game to ever curse the NES.

Snake Rattle and Roll is a game where you have to slither around eating balls in order to make yourself heavy enough to hit a bell attached to a High Striker in order to open a door to progress to the next stage.  There are a couple of stages that don't do this and instead opt for straight platforming challenges and all in all you've got to get through 10 levels of the stuff before you can see the ending.

There are 2 problems with this game, one minor and one major.  The minor problem is the perspective.  The game has this sort of isometric camera that was probably really cool to see on the NES back in the day but in a game that needs precision platforming, the camera makes it sort of hard to judge where you are in relation to platforms and enemies at certain points.  I call this a minor issue though because it's the sort of thing you can just get used to after a short amount of play time.  The major issue though is the ice physics, probably the dumbest, most obnoxious ice physics in all of video games and I say this without hyperbole.

The last 2 levels are these icy gauntlets that are full of one hit kill rocks coming at you and the balls you must put in your mouth to reach the end of the stage are flying, so while you're slipping around trying to eat them you're liable to fall of the stage A LOT.  The game also has a garbage respawning system so more than once I would die only to respawn off the ledge again and fall right to my death.  The big problem though is the ice itself because you never EVER get a break from it pulling you all over the place, meaning that the ice physics are working on your snake EVEN WHEN YOU'RE IN MID-AIR.  So if there's a small platform you need to hit, you'll always either undershoot it and slide back down whatever hell mountain you were climbing or you'll over shoot it and fall to an instant death.

The game only has a handful of continues too so if you mess up too often on those ice stages, enjoy being knocked back to stage one every time.  Also don't give me any shit about the stage 8 warp because actually hitting that is a pain in the ass as well.

Sometimes playing shit games is fun because having a nice controlled rage at something obviously shit can be cathartic.  Sometimes they can be so jank that they sort of come full circle and become weirdly entertaining in their shitness.  Snake Rattle and Roll isn't cathartic to yell at and it isn't jank enough to be fun, it's just shit.  Shit in it's purest form, unfiltered and untainted by any traces of quality game design, just a massive pile of doo doo.

There is a version on the Mega Drive too but I've not played that, so I dont know if it's any better.  But to be honest, after the experience I had with the NES one, that version can suck at a fat one.  Don't play this game, it's not good

Foray Into Fall Guys

 

A little while back a game called Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout came out and as a member of Playstation + I was able to get a copy of the game for free!  The internet is going crazy for it, it's the next big thing so I just HAD to try it

I don't think I have ever lost interest in an online game so quickly in my life.

For anyone living under a rock and doesn't know what I'm talking about, I'll give a brief intro.  Fall Guys is an online sort of "Battle Royale" type game.  You play matches that start with 60 people only instead of shooting and looting each stage will involve something like an obstacle course or some sort of team game where you have to roll a ball or collect eggs or something.  You keep doing these games until there's only about 8 people left where you make a mad dash for a crown and the first one to grab it wins.  Rinse and repeat for all eternity.  If you remember that TV show called Takeshi's Castle, it's basically that but as a bright online game with cartoon bean creatures 

Now you might be thinking that I'm about to go off on a long rant about how much the game sucks considering how fast I claimed to have lost interest but actually it's pretty fun and well put together.  Games are quick, the characters are cute, the art is nice and vibrant and when you do start doing well it gets really exciting, it's a game where I can totally understand the appeal.  There's something about it however, for me, that made me lose interest incredibly fast and I can't quite place my finger on it.

Maybe it's the sort of monotonous music and really irritating sound effects the little dudes make as they tumble over each other.  Maybe it's the repetitive nature of the game play.  Maybe its the abundance of annoying as fuck team games where, once you get used to playing them a bit, losses start to feel like they weren't entirely your fault and having to restart a match just because you were unluckily placed on a team with a bunch of twats feels unfair in a game like this.  Maybe it's the fact that the number of stages is pretty limited so every game starts to feel samey and uninteresting after about 6 matches.  I'm sure its a combination of all these things 

When I played my first few games my initial reaction was "Goodness golly me! Isn't this a barrel of laughs, I just HAVE to play more of it" which was quickly followed by "yeah it's aite, maybe a game or two before I play something else" which was then quickly followed by "I never want to touch this boring sack of shit ever again"

But like I said, the game isn't clicking particularly well for me and on this one I know very much that it's a me problem rather than the game being bad.  I can think of a handful of people just off the top of my head that I would happily recommend this game to and I'm really glad that such a neat little idea is getting so much traction.  It's absolutely worth checking out if the idea of Takeshi's Castle: Online appeals to you even a little bit.  I, however, will be uninstalling and going back to my weird, obscure weebshit.  

2021: A Year For Extreme MegaTen Hype

I'm a bit of a cynical bugger when it comes to new releases, I sort of just assume that everything that's coming out is shit so that when I buy it and it ends up being shit I don't feel too put out.  As a result of this cynicism I tend to ignore things like Nintendo Directs because I don't give a shit about anything they have to say and if something interesting does happen either someone will tell me or I'll just see it on a shelf at some point after release day.  But good lord do I regret not checking out the Nintendo Direct last night because HO-LY SHIT there was some good news to come out of that one.

Shin Megami Tensei 3: Nocturne was a game on PS2 that came out in 2003 and as quite frankly one of the best games on the system.  For the completely uninitiated the game is sort of like grim-dark Pokémon only the goal of a Shin Megami Tensei game isn't so much to collect them all but to survive whatever apocalypse is going on and maybe punch some Gods in the face.  You negotiate with and collect demons to put them in your party and fight with them in a sort of Pokémon-esque way but that's pretty much where the similarities end.

One of the reasons I personally am so happy about this news is because Nocturne is a game that's stupidly expensive to buy here in Japan.  Over here there were 3 versions of the game released, a standard version, a 'Maniax' edition and a third one that featured Raidou from the Devil Summoner series instead of Dante from Devil May Cry.  The standard edition is pretty fairly priced but it's lacking a lot of the features that the Maniax one does.  The Maniax edition, the one we got over in the west, costs about $200 and the one with Raidou costs even more than that.  This remake version is going to apparently cost $60 and is the Raidou version of the game which means that my wallet is just as happy as I am.

But that's not all!  Shin Megami Tensei 5 also got another trailer and it's extremely exciting to see that the game hasn't been forgotten about despite not hearing anything about it for a VERY long time.  The first announcement for SMT5 was the only reason I bought a Switch in the first place.  I don't give a flying rat fuck about Zelda or Mario or whatever tired Nintendo IP is being churned out but I care very much about being able to play SMT5 on the day it comes out.

Not only is this news extremely exciting but it's also extremely funny.  One quick look at Twitter and the amount of crying from various parties had me giggling all throughout my day.  Nintendo fans were butthurt because it wasn't Smash news or something, despite the fact they very clearly stated it was a partner presentation and Persona fans (an SMT spinoff series designed for braindead twats, myself included) were EXTRA butthurt because they have been clamoring for a Switch port of Persona 5 for a good while now.  There was even a small group of butthurt Persona fans crying about how P5Scramble, a Dynasty Warrriors knockoff set in the Persona 5 universe hasn't been localized yet.

July 21st was an extremely good day for MegaTen fans and we can only hope that the success of SMT3 remake will maybe trigger a remake of Digital Devil Saga or maybe, the best game in the franchise, Jack Brothers.  We can dream

Cuphead 200% Deathless Run Stream Highlight

Review Scores and Mainstream Games Writing

I make no effort to hide my disdain for "games writers" or "games journalists".  The crap that these people churn out, whether it be a poorly written review or some crappy clickbait opinion piece about how something (usually from a Japanese developer) is offensive just isn't worth the time of day.  Also the fact that almost every writer I encounter on Twitter or on some other facet of social media just seems to suck massively at games just boggles my mind.  It's OK to be a less skilled player and we all have our weak spots (mine is RTS!) but these are people who are being PAID to tell you about games and they can barely muster the ability to finish a game on Normal.

Imagine the show Top Gear

One of the reasons that show is so compelling even for people like me who aren't really into cars is that the three presenters for that show are very knowledgeable and passionate about the topic and listening to them talk motoring is really interesting.  It's true for anything, I am a HUGE fan going onto YouTube and firing up some video about musical theory or musical production and despite the fact that I know diddly jack shit about music theory but just listening to people who know SO MUCH about it I find really interesting.

But now, imagine Top Gear but replace the presenters with people who know NOTHING about cars.  3 people who can't drive, know nothing about the topic of cars or motoring and then they are paraded around on TV trying to tell you which car is good or what manufacturer you should pay attention to.  I'd bet you'd change the channel pretty god damn fast and I imagine the show wouldn't last very long.  That nightmare scenario of a TV show is what is currently happening in the games writing scene and it's an absolute joke.  To put it another way, imagine a movie critic trying to tell you what makes a movie good or bad but they only thing they ever watch are Marvel super hero movies, you wouldn't give it the time of day

"Sekiro is too hard", the guy who couldn't clear the Cuphead tutorial, the Astral Chain incident and so much more are just a few examples of just how there is a group of people that don't know all that much about gaming, aren't very good at it and in some cases I imagine they don't even really care that much, trying to get you to respect their opinion on a given title.  Granted in 2020 with the likes of YouTube and Twitch games writers have become somewhat irrelevant but its still mind numbingly frustrating when some trumped up Twitter addict comes along and tries to tell you what's good or not.

Although the people involved in the actual writing is sort of only half the problem, it's the way in which reviews are presented which is also shitty and dumb.  Most review sites will use a 1-10 scale; the writer will do MAYBE one playthrough of the game, write a couple of paragraphs about the mechanics and the story and then slap a number on the end.  When it comes the scale itself 9 and 10 usually mean a good game, 8 means an OK game, 7 is mediocre and anything below a 7 is complete garbage that isn't worth your money.

I can't help but feel that trying to boil down a complex opinion about a game or any piece of media for that matter into a number is an incredible waste of time.  People can't even decide on what certain numbers mean for certain titles, most recently evidenced by The Last of Us 2.  The game got many 10/10s and I saw many twitter threads of people arguing not only about if that score was deserved but what even "10/10" means.  Seeing someone unironically tweet "10/10 doesn't mean it's perfect" made me put my phone down and walk away from Twitter for a while because I cannot believe the stupidity of some people on that website.

The solution to this problem? Don't put so much pressure on the games press to churn out a review as fast as possible.  Make the standard for a review two playthroughs and go into A LOT more detail on various aspects of the game.  I know I was being mean to games writers in the above paragraphs but you don't even have to replace them. If it takes them a long time to get a review out because they found the game hard is a legit point that may help people make a more informed purchase in the end.  They don't have to be good at the game but the writers skill level should be taken into account so that a reader can find a writer who somewhat matches them and get an opinion similar to where they stand.  Also dump the number, with the extra detail given to the review you don't need the number, the writer has more space to properly articulate what individual aspects they like and didn't like

To basically sum up what I mean you should look to a channel on YouTube called Joseph Anderson.  This guy may be a little overboard in the other direction (his latest video on The Witcher 1 is over 4 hours) but even if you don't agree with what he says he is clearly a dude who knows what he is talking about and puts a lot of effort into these pieces.  If HE tells me a game is good I'm more likely to take an interest rather than some dude who rushed through the game once or maybe didn't even get to the end just so he could write 500 words with a 8/10 on the end.

What I'm saying in a very long, poorly put together way is don't get your games info from places like IGN, go find someone who actually gives a shit

Game Gear Micro: Tiny System, Massive Piece of Shit

I have very limited experience with actual Game Gear hardware but quite fond memories of the system.  I remember when I was very young, my auntie had this huge house in the Lake District that I would visit with my family from time to time.  There was some sort of gathering going on at the house one time and all the adults were standing around talking and drinking, the usual fare for that kind of thing.  I however, unable to drink at that young and age, got talking to these two slightly older kids and to pass the time we sat in a hallway, on top of my aunties large refrigerator unit playing some kind of Sonic game on the Game Gear.  I was a big fan of the Sonic games on the Mega Drive at the time so when I saw these guys that had a version of it that could be played on the go, it blew my damn mind.  Thinking back, these first experience with the Game Gear might have been my first experience with a portable console.

Anyway, childhood stories aside, Sega have recently announced a Game Gear Micro, yet another mini version of an old system that has a collection of games for you to enjoy.  I've never been a big fan of these mini systems really but I do see the appeal.  The collection of games is usually pretty good (unless its the western PS1 mini) and they sort of look nice on a shelf as a collectors piece.  Being able to play these games with the actual controllers that come packaged is cool as well.

The first problem with the Game Gear Micro is that it's, as the name would suggest, tiny.  I always hated the Game Boy Micro for being just a tad too small and I'm fairly sure that this thing is even smaller than that.  I get that it's kind of a novelty but even Sega realized that the size of this thing is fucking stupid because if you pre-order the system then you can also get a magnifying glass which may make the thing slightly playable.

The games are the other problem with this thing but not the actual titles themselves.  The selection of games is actually pretty good, a bunch of Sonic games, some RPGs, some puzzle games, the standard array of popular titles and genres you'd expect to see on a system like this.  In total there are 16 games but this is where the bullshit starts to creep in.  There are 4 color variants of the Game Gear Micro; black, blue, red and yellow.  Each one of these systems has 4 DIFFERENT games on them which means if you want to play all 16 micro versions of these Game Gear classics, you have to buy ALL of them.

Which leads us into the third problem of the price.  They are announced to be roughly 5000 yen (About $45) each, which means if you want all of the games available you have to drop a whopping 20,000 yen, which is just fucking extortionate.  If I remember correctly the SNES mini, which had about 20 games packaged in, was 8000 yen at launch.  The PlayStation mini, for all the controversy over its game list in the west at the very least was $60 for 20 games.  For what you get bundled in a single unit the asking price is INSANE.

If they were asking for $20 per system then I'd be down.  Not only would I be down but I'd probably be OK with buying all 4 of them at once but for that much it feels a bit steep.  If you're a huge fan of the Game Gear and you like the idea of having one or all of these things on a shelf to look nice in your collection, go crazy.   But if you're just looking to experience games from a system you might have not played much or maybe even at all, I'd say its probably just better to look for.....alternative methods.

Skyrim Grandma Vs VG247

When games writers aren't spending every minute of their day sucking at absolutely every single game they play they like to pass the time by just making shit up.  This story isn't exactly big news or anything but having and excuse to point and laugh at these people is something I don't want to pass up.

Website VG247 posted an article with the headline "YouTuber Skyrim Grandma announces she is scaling back streams for the sake of her health after receiving onslaught of patronizing comments"  which sounds terrible right? I didn't actually read the article in the end because very soon after it was posted, the woman herself (@ShirleyScurry on Twitter)  tweeted at VG247 directly asking them to delete the article because it's bullshit.  Apparently the fact that she is scaling back streams because of her health is true but she claims that most of the people on her channel are actually very nice.

This has of course led to VG247 getting a good grilling on social media for a laugh but I can't help but wonder why this was even posted in the first place?  Just some sad little idiot putting out some nonsense in order to generate clicks for a crap website.

I have no real interest in Skyrim but Scurry's fans seem to enjoy her content a fair bit so if you're a fan of Bethesda games she might be worth checking out.  Maybe a nice change of pace from the content creators that clog up YouTube? It's always nice to see people on the older side of things enjoying the medium just as much as everyone else!