Castlevania Series Run: Castlevania Dracula X

What another horrible night to have a shitty fucking castlevania game! Ho-ly shit this game is fucking TERRIBLE, I hate it so damn much.  If you have been reading these posts, you can probably guess I'm a big Castlevania fan, but this? this is just fucking crap.

Now, if you're not a big castlevania fan, and you've played Dracula X: Chronicles on PSP, you're probably wondering how I can hate such a good game?  Well I don't, that game is awesome, and the original Rondo of Blood is also awesome, but this game is a fucking abomination and I want to punch it's development team in the goddamn soul.  Fuck this game.

So first of all, what is it exactly?  What Drac X is, is a shitty "port" of a awesome Castlevania game that was originally for the PC Engine known as Rondo of Blood.  This game was originally never released outside of Japan, so back in the day, the closest you could ever get to playing Rondo was this hunk of rotting anal leakage.

So what is it about this game that makes it so vomit inducingly awful?  Well, anyone who saw the original Rondo of Blood back in the day was hyped as shit for this getting a release over in the west.  The original had multiple pathways (like CV3) and a different character to play as (like CV3 but she didn't suck ass this time round) and all sorts of good stuff.  Instead, we got a mess of a game where the multiple pathways were pretty much cut, the graphics weren't as good, at the second character got demoted to yet another damsel in distress despite being a hardcore beastmaster death machine in the original.

So what the Super Nintendo players got in the end was a semi-remake of the PC Engine game, that was really fucking hard, and I don't mean the good kind of really fucking hard.  I mean the horrible, shitty kind of really fucking hard where every time you die you want to tear out your own eyes and throw them at the wall just so you don't have to look at this shitty game again.  Bullshit death pits, bullshit enemy placement and bullshit level design, none of which were an issue in the original game.

Sure, the music was nice and there were some good graphic effects, such as the fire in level 1

See look, it's fuckin' pretty! But you need more than just pretty fire effects in one level to make a good game, and this game doesn't have anything going for it outside of that.

Oh yeah, and the final boss is bullshit too.  It's Dracula as usual, all you have to do is smack him in the face with your whip, but this time, you have to fight him while bouncing around on columns over instant death pits.  It renders the whole purpose of your life bar fucking useless because if he hits you ONE FUCKING TIME that it, you're fucking dead. GG no re, fuck off back to the monastery with your whip shithead.  As soon as I beat this pool of stale spunk I instantly had to take a shower because I felt dirty after wasting all that fucking time.

But you know what?  If it wasn't called Castlevania, it would have been a passable platformer.  Hell, even if it was another CV game it would have been OK, but it was SUPPOSED to be Rondo of fucking blood.  How do you fuck Rondo of Blood up this goddamn much?!

Luckily we got Dracula X: Chronicles for the PSP a few years back, giving us a remastered version of Rondo, the original version of Rondo AND Symphony of the Night all bundled in.  Now that is an apology I can accept.