The Game Awards Are Dumb Bullshit

 

It's that time of the year again! The time where everyone gets together to discuss what the best games of the year were.  The time where we celebrate all the cool titles we have played throughout 2024.  The time where shallow hype merchants peddle their crap opinions at you in the hope to generate some dollar for their high profile buddies in the industry.

Maybe I'm cynical but The Game Awards are something I've always had a certain degree of disdain for but I think even this year the lineup of nominees for the hype machine are sort of grim.  For those that can't be bothered to go look what they are I'll list them here.

-Astrobot 

-Bolatro

-Black Myth: Wukong

-Shadow of the Erdtree

-Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth 

-Metaphor: Refantazio 

This is just the GOTY category but I find that no one gives a fuck about the other awards.  All discussion revolves almost entirely around these titles so who gives a fuck about anything else?  That aside though, this lineup is just fucking depressing.  Astrobot is a shite mascot platformer that failed to push PS5s, Bolatro is the token indie entry in a thinly veiled attempt to make it look like the awards aren't just a AAA circle jerk, Black Myth Wukong is just "another souls-like", Erdtree is a fucking DLC for a game from 2022, FF7 is a padded remake that butchers key scenes from the original and Metaphor is about the only thing on the list that skirts the line of being an "original" game, despite at it's core just being fantasy Persona,.

This lineup has even had the effect of turning me into a tin foil hat conspiricy crackpot.  DLCs have won awards in the past in minor categories but this is the first time that one has been in the running for actual GOTY.  My dumb theory is that some money-men have greased the palms of award show organizers for Erdtree to be entered and for it to win so that FromSoft can make extra dollar of a "Elden Ring: GOTY Edition" that includes Erdree.

But if you ignore the specifics of this years show in particular, The Game Awards are just a pile of dumb bullshit as a concept.  90% of the votes for winners are peformed by a jury consisting of people from various games media outlets and I wan't you to think very carefully about that.  Think of the kind of absolute dumbfuck that works for any big gaming website or publication.  An entire enthuisast press made up of easily manipulated morons that barely have the motor function required to operate a control pad or keyboard pumping out the most stock standard gaming opinions day after day so that they can maintain funding for their site and access to developers and publishers.  These idiots are the ones who get to say what the best games of the year are.  I'd be willing to bet money that the games these people have played over the course of the year can be counted with just your fingers.

But even if it was a completely public vote, a vote where dedicated communties of niche weirdos could push for whatever game they love to get some recognition, it wouldn't matter because deciding a game of the year in the current year is just daft by design.  Not one person, nor group of people has had the time to even scratch the surface of things that were released this year.  I'm not saying that in order to make an informed decision on what a potential game of the year is you have to play EVERYTHING that year, but I guarantee that the judges for this show, along with most people (myself included) have barely scratched the surface on things that came out in 2024.  

There is a channel I quite like on YouTube challed YourMovieSucks who does these "best of" videos.  One example of this is his best films of 2015 video which was released in 2018.  He gave the year of 2015 some breathing room while watching as many films as he could from that year both big and small, and then made a list based on that much broader viewing.  I feel like that's what The Game Awards should be doing.  Fuck GOTY 2024, we should be crowning GOTY 2018 around this game thus giving judges and general audiences a bit more time to experience what 2024 had to offer outside of the big budget, heavily marketed titles. 

At the end of the day, none of it really matters, it's all just twats shouting their opinions from the rooftops.  I base my personal GOTY selections on stuff I played that year rather than stuff that was released that year, none of this affects me on a personal level really.  But these are award shows are somewhat important to developers and publishers and their outcome will have an effect on the industry at large in some way and if you ask me, it's making things considerably worse year on year.

Fuck you Geoff

31 Game Horror Challenge 2024

 It's that time of the year once again to do the 31 game horror challenge!  This year we're doing it in November because my October was busy as all hell but if it was really up to me, it would be spooky month every month but whatever.  Here's the list in the order that I'll be playing them

1. Silent Hill 2 

2. Paranoihell 

3. Resident Evil 3 (PS1) 

4. The Smell of Death -A Tsugunohi Tale- 

5. Bioshock

6. Lucifer Within Us 

7. Fatal Frame

8. Crow Country 

9. F.E.A.R 2 

10. Splatter Master 

11. Moons of Madness

12. Gun Survivor 2: Biohazard Code Veronica 

13. Lost in Vivo

14. Bloodshots

15. DreadOut

16. Fobia: St Dinfna Hotel 

17. Disaster Report 

18. Tormented Souls

19. Manhunt 

20. Faith

21. Hollow Body

22. 999: 9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors

23. Evil Dead: Fistful of Boomstick

24. Murdered Soul Suspect 

25. ...iru?! 

26. Hell Yeah! Wrath of the Dead Rabbit 

27. Gregory Horror Show 

28. Shadowgrounds

29. Dementium 2 

30. Michigan: Report From Hell 

31. Deadly Premonition 2 

I've not failed a horror challenge since the very first one I did where I underestimated the length of Days Gone but this year I have a baby to contend with.  Will I get through all of these? or will life be the real survival horror?  Only one way to find out!  www.twitch.tv/taurinensis

I Do Not See The Appeal Of Silent Hill 2: Remake

 

The Silent Hill 2 Remake is one of those games I've been shitting on since it was announced.  Starting with the annoucement that the gaggle of incompetant hacks, Bloober Team, are making it and then with every shoddy trailer to drop since then I've only had increasingly harsh words to say about it.  But then the launch trailer appeared on YouTube and under it was a sea of positive comments of people hype to play it and I'm just completely baffled.

It really does feel like I'm going insane in some ways.  Like, imagine if you were in a resturant and the waiter serves you literal dogshit on a plate.  You respond by saying "this is dogshit! I'm not eating that" but then all your friends and the other people in the resturant are just shovelling the dogshit into their mouths and just GUSHING about how good it is.  That's what watching the trailer and then looking at the comments section feels like.

On a gameplay level, the things shown in the launch trailer look OK, I guess.  Maybe the most acceptable part of the whole deal.  This is only because they are using the same 3rd person over the shoulder style that a ton of games in this genre have been using since 2005, it's a hard thing to fuck up at this point.  That said though, Silent Hill: Homecoming and Silent Hill: Downpour were also using this style of game play and managed to fuck it up so even though it looks fine in the trailer I'm very much expecting it to suck ass when I actually get around to playing it.

But the gameplay is not what I'm really purplexed by, it's everything else.  The subtlety seems to have been completely thrown out of the window in the overall presentation.  The game looks like its pulling all the tricks for "scares" that things like Dead Space uses.  Like there's one bit in the trailer where James turns a corner to a TV with static on it and a monster in front of it.  As he gets closer the TV turns off and the monster just shuffles out of view.  I can almost guarantee that the next move after that is if you turn the camera the monster is gone.  One of the oldest and least effective tricks in the book being used in not just any modern horror game but in a SILENT HILL game of all things.  Even in the, admittedly kind of ass, 2001 E3 trailer for the original game they weren't pulling any bullshit like that.  The games creepiness spoke for itself in the few snippits that they showed off between some cutscene bites.  

But the cutscenes are where the remake seems to scandalize me the most of anything.  The new voice acting and character designs look like absolute trash.  The two big offenders so far are Angela, who's had her weird quirky line delivery removed for ham fisted, obvious bullshit and Eddie, who has, quite frankly, become a parody of himself

The trailer shows off a section of his speech near the end of the game where he says "It doesn't matter if you smart, dumb, ugly, pretty! its all the same once you're dead! and a corpse can't laugh" and the presentation and line delivery of the scene are so HORRIBLY bad and miss the point of the original so hard that I physically winced.  Whoever is voicing Eddie in this remake needs a fat slap or a better director.  Preferably both.  This is just two scenes out of the whole game too so how much actual pain I'm going to feel playing through it is sort of daunting.

Now the obvious thing to say here would be "if you hate it so much, just don't play it".  But that doesn't fly because Silent Hill 2 means a lot to me and if I'm going to be in a position to talk at length about how much this remake sucks shit, I have to play it through AT LEAST a couple times.  Plus there's always the astronomically low chance that I'm wrong about all this and it turns out to be great.  I think I have more of a chance of surviving a plane crash and then winning the lottery right after but the chance is a smidge higher than 0%, at least.

But here's my theory on why SH2R is seeing so much positivity.  Most people played, or more likely watched, Silent Hill 2 and didn't really get it.  The looked at some video essays or articles about the game after the fact and parroted that bullshit to seem smart online but they were essentially just pretenders wanting to be in on the popular thing.  Then Bloober comes along and gives you a version of the game that is louder, dumber, less intelligent and easier to digest but has JUST ENOUGH of the original in there to still looks smart with your peers online for enjoying the "art game".  If that's not it then I weep for the standards and tastes of general gaming audiences.  

I knew the bar was low, but this is on a whole new level of trash.  I, of course, will be playing it at some time soon after release and will be coming back to either validate this post or maybe do a complete 180, lets see how it goes.

Blue Stinger: The Good Kind of Jank

 

Blue Stinger was a launch title for the Dreamcast that I pretty much ignored when it came out.  At the time I was much more into arcady type games so I opted for Power Stone as the game I got with the system.  After that I stuck to the arcade and fighting games on the system so my library of titles consisted mainly of things like Soul Calibur, Dynamite Cop, House of the Dead and other games in that sort of style.  I did go on to enjoy things like Code Veronica and Evolution but Blue Stinger was one of those games that stayed out of my collection for the entire consoles lifespan. I'm sort of glad it did actually because this game is all sorts of fucked.  I think a younger me would have scoffed at its weird, jokey cutscenes and got easily frustrated at its gameplay but at older me can appriciate it for the wonderfully weird bit of pre-2000s jank it is.

The game follows Elliot on his adventures through Dinosaur Island.  He's chilling on his boat with a friend while he builds an anime girl-in-a-bottle (no, don't think about it) when a meteor crashes down and causes a monster outbreak.  Elliot is soon accompanied by a guy called Dogs are are assisted by a chick called Janine and the three of them must work together to stop the outbreak by shooting a lot of things in the face.  Oh, also the anime girl-in-a-bottle turns into some weird ghost thing, don't think about it too hard.

On the surface, Blue Stinger might seem like any other survival horror game and I spent my first couple of hours with the game playing it as such but I quickly found out that you will be absolutely miserable if you're trying to go through things that way.  There's no real survival or horror elements to Blue Stinger, its a much faster affair where enemies drop cash and guns/ammo can be bought from vending machines so no need to conserve, just blow everything to high hell.  The horror on the other hand falls completely flat but I'm not entirely convinced that's what they were going for.  The imagry is trying to be horrific with ihabitants of Dinosaur Island having their bodies taken over and mutated but the whole thing has the vibe of a low budget action B movie with a horror theme.  For example there's one point where you have to fight a jeep that's been turned into a giant crab monster and when you kill it you are rewarded with a minigun for Dogs that allows you to just absolutely mow shit down.

Once you realize to not play it like you would play something like Resident Evil though the fun factor jumps up a fair bit.  There's also a number of setpieces throughout the game that are, admitedly, quite stupid but will have you grinning like an absolute idiot as Eliot and Dogs bumble their way through them.  An example of a good one is that there's one point where Eliot has to cross a chasm to get to another part of the island but instead of going around or finding away across, he climbs up a big tower with a gas tank on the top of it and blows it up as he jumps off to have the blast just throw him across.  It's dumb to the point of it being awesome and I wouldn't have it any other way.

There are some frustrating parts of the game though.  The two most notable of these are a section near the start where you must navigate a freezer but the freezer is a big ass maze that's slowly killing you AND there's enemies inside it AND if you fuck up the puzzle it becomes a giant heater that STILL kills you as you go through it and the solution to the puzzle or even what elements need to be interacted with aren't particularly clear.  There's also a bit where Elliot gets a bit sick and its not hard but they decided that a lot of wall climbing needed to be done in that part and the climbing is slow as all fuck and it reverses your controls when you're doing it which makes navigating the area take a bout 8 times longer than it usually would.

Overall though, good fuckin' game.  The only other game that I think the company did after this is Illbleed and if you've played that as well as Blue Stinger you might come to the conclusion that the development team consists entirely of insane people.  It's sort of hard to recommend to people but if you don't mind some late 90s jank and you need a good chuckle from a retro game then Blue Stinger has you covered

Reevaluate Your Opinions

 

I can't help but feel that in recent years that the general gaming public has a bit of a problem when it comes to the way they treat games.  The way it seems to me is that a game comes along that ends up being the main character for a while, think titles like Red Dead, Elden Ring, Horizon Forbidden West, New God of War etc, then these games are played once by most people and then shelved while the user goes on whatever social media platform and joins the collective marketing driven gush is going on at the time.  After a period of time the collective gush dies down and everyone moves to the next thing, the game is largely forgotten in public discussion and the game is never played again by a majority of the people who bought copies of it. 

Writing about how this is a shitty way to be in this blog, now that I think about it, is probably a case of preaching to the choir because I know for a fact that the vast majority of people who engage with my little corner of the internet aren't like that but I think it's worth stating that it is a shitty way to be.  It's a shitty way to be at the peak of the games popularity because most games have higher difficulties and extras that are skipped by a majority of the userbase and its a shitty way to be after the fact because I'm of the opinion that reevaluating your old tastes to help better understand and appriciate the stuff you consume currently is good practice so allow me to regail you with 2 times that this happened to me.

The first case was only a few days ago from the publish date of this post with Doom 2016.  It took me a long time to get around to it since I went through a portion of my life using only trash laptops and I wasn't about to play a game like Doom on a console.  When I did play it I had a fun time with it but I remember feeling that the game was overly long and felt like an absolute slog to play by the end.  I enjoyed my time with it but the additional modes for score and time seemed like absolute overkill for a game that could barely handle its own length in the campaign.  This time around, however, I had a lot more fun with it.  I don't know if its because I'm just better at games or because of my even better hardware or because I was streaming it but the experience was significantly more enjoyable the second time around.  Upon finishing it I even had a go of the arcade mode to see what was up and found it to be a cool addition to the games content package.  If I'm being really honest with myself I think my opinion of  the game "barely being able to handle its own length" stems from the fact that the system I played it on originally was constantly crashing and blue-screening during the playthrough.  I was replaying sections a lot because of these hardware issues that were not fault of the game and yet it sullied my opinion of it.  I'm glad I went back to it because now its a title that has become a candidate for a possible future speedrun. 

The second and much more violent example of an opinion change is with The Evil Within.  I picked it up and played it around the time that it launched and holy fuckin hell did I absolutely HATE it at first.  I thought the horror elements were lame and trying overly hard to "scare" the player with just huge piles of gore.  But more than that I hated the game itself.  The first few chapters set me up to believe I was going to be playing a stealth game only for the majority of encounters to be some kind of ambush situation.  The constant lack of ammo and healing had me frustrated rather than on edge and when the game threw a boss at me I was either bored or frustrated.  The upgrade system was cumbersome and stupid and I felt that at base, every enemy was far too tanky and combat was not fun to engage in at all. But then I watched a friend of mine play it on Twitch and suddenly I felt the need to give it another try and my opinion did a complete 180.  Maybe its because I knew what challenges were ahead on the second try, maybe its because I was in a completely different head-space than the previous playthrough but either way I had a MUCH better time with it.  I still think the horror is kind of lame but maybe its because horror today is so oversaturated with untalented developers making complete shite that The Evil Within seems like a breath of fresh air.  But I also just enjoyed the game a lot more.  I understood from the outset this time that ammo is scarce and I played much smarter that I had a better time with it although the upgrade system is still stupid and using gel to upgrade pockets and sprint time is extremely annoying.  But overall I like The Evil Within now, its a cool game and I want to try and beat it on Akumu one day.

So go back and replay some of those things from your past.  Same goes for books and movies too, always worth seeing if stuff holds up for today you the same way it did for old you.  Maybe you'll discover something cool that rubbed you up the wrong way before or maybe you'll realize that younger you was an idiot that like trash.  Either way its a fun thing to do so go try it

Doom64 is absolutely horrible

 

I play a lot of games in a lot of genres and as a result of that I also play a lot of complete and utter shite.  Every so often, though, a game comes along thats so rancid in its design and content that it lodges itself in my brain and I can't stop thinking about it for a long time.  It's like seeing a horrible road accident where the images of people being sliced in half by pieces of car metal stick in your minds eye for weeks after the event.  It happened with Outlast 2, it happened with Holy Diver and now it's happening again with Doom64.

Doom64 was released, unsurprisingly, on the Nintendo 64 in 1997 and unlike previous console ports of Doom where it was just Doom 1 or 2 being brough to console, this was a whole new thing.  A unique Doom game for a brand new system, fucking wow, but in terms of the larger conversation of Doom and Boomer Shooters in general, 64 is a bit of a black sheep in the series and the genre.

On it's surface its a pretty competently made Doom game.  It's basically just more of what we got with Doom 1 and 2 with some redesigned monsters and a new gun to play with, what could possibly go wrong? Well fucking everything really.  

The first and most minor problem is the controls.  The N64 controller is already a gigantic piece of garbage made for octopus people (and even they don't like it that much, they told me) and playing an FPS on it feels like pulling teeth.  Running with the stick and walking with D-Pad is irritating but but the absolute worst thing about the controls is weapon switching.  The number of times I fucking died because I got ambushed by a large number of pinkies or imps and either couldn't pull the appropriate gun out fast enough OR accidentally switching to the rocket launcher and blowing my own face off made me want to rip and tear my own throat out.  There's a reason these games were originally made for PC where you could switch guns with a number key.  It's because using the right gun for the right situation is key to gameplay and having that shit hindered by having the guns just be in a list makes for a fucking awful time.  

Then there's the level design just being generally fucking awful.  When I was playing Doom 1 and 2 on stream I'd often complain pretty vocally about how I dislike the majority of levels designed by Sandy Petersen but I feel like I owe him an apology now because the Doom64 levels make even his most diabolical outings look like a walk in the park.  Sudden pits, crushers out of nowhere, pitch black rooms full of enemies, PLATFORMING are all common features in Doom64 maps that are likely to drive you insane.  One of the worst examples of this is a level early on where you are expected to sprint across a number of platforms that change height as you touch them.  I didn't know that's what was going on at first so I had 3 or 4 attempts where I just fell into the black pit of pinkies and ate shit.  The point of the section was so poorly conveyed that I had to look up a fucking YouTube walkthrough just to be able to tell what was even going on.  That's just one example too, go watch the VoDs on my YouTube channel of the playthrough I did recently for many, many hours of similar and equally frustrating bullshit. 

Then there's the thing that really stuck in my brain which is the games penchant for teleport ambushes.  In original Doom, ambush rooms were a common-ish thing.  You would walk into a room where there would be a gun or a key and when you grabbed it the walls would open.  The concept is introduced in E1M3 (I think) where picking up a blue key opens a wall to a few shotgunners and then you know its a thing you're supposed to look out for.  You can walk into a room and maybe predict if the walls are going on open, for a new player its a guessing game that keeps proceedings intense, keeps you on your toes.  Doom64 said fuck that though and just teleports enemies into a level, usually in positions that will completely fuck you with no warning.  The second to last level in the game is a great example of this where killing a Mancubus (at least I think that's the trigger) will spawn in an ARMY of imps, directly in your face.  If you know its coming you can move out of the area as your rocket travels through the air and avoid too much damage but for a new player it's just a shitty rookie trap.  Kill the enemy, OH WHOOPS NOW YOU'RE TRAPPED, dead and restart the level.  Imagine if you were playing something like Dungeons and Dragons and then when you kill a monster the dungeon master suddenly goes "oh by the way, there's 100 goblins in the room with you now".  You'd call him a piece of shit, break his teeth and never invite him to DnD sessions again.  That's what teleporting ambush spawns makes me want to do in Doom64.

The final and most irritating thing in Doom64 though is the final level.  It's a simple stage, a small room with a bunch of guns in it and then an arena.  At one end of the arena are 3 portals that spawn in an absolutely unreasonable amount of demons.  Once you kill them the final boss appears in the middle and starts barraging you with what I can only describe as a Mushihime-sama style bullet hell pattern.  Here's the kicker though, if you were thorough enough in the previous levels to find the secret maps then you may have also found 3 Hell Keys.  The hell keys upgrade one of your guns AND allow you to close the portals early, meaning the number of pre-boss demons you have to fight is significantly more reasonable.  The game makes no mention of this at any point and I don't care if its written in the manual because who the fuck ever kept manuals for N64 games? No one I knew that's for damn sure.  I have seen footage of people beating this stage from a pistol start without the keys because my initial reaction was that it seemed impossible without them but in order to pull it off you actually have to be some kind of Doom God.

Here's the thing though.  The game fucking sucks.  I don't WANT to explore the levels because the levels are ass and full of bullshit, I just want to get through them as fast as possible so I can stop fucking playing Doom64 and move onto a better game like Action52 or Video Cart-8: Magic Numbers for the Fairchild Channel F.  Getting good at something or taking the time to explore something is only worth doing when the game is good and Doom64 is certainly not that.  Therefore, I fucking cheated to see the ending.  Usually I'm extremely anti using codes and stuff to get through a game but when the thought of playing it any longer was actually ruining my mood and the prospect of streaming it further was ruining my entire DAY before going live, I don't give a shit.  Maybe if there was any indication of the existance of those keys, even in the form of a cryptic comment or something, I would have grinned and beared it because then its my fault, but to be blindsided by a sudden key requirement on the final level that would require me to go play the majority of the game over again?  Get fucked.

Doom64 got re-released for PC where you can use mouse and keyboard and they brightened the game a little bit so its not so unplayably dark at all times but even then I can't imagine it being any better.  Maybe my point about the controls being ass would be fixed but the rest of the broken, rancid design of Doom64 still remains.

Fuck this game, send it to hell along with the people who made it

Remnant: From The Ashes

Remnant: From The Ashes is a game from 2019 that I have just finished in 2024 thanks to the Epic Games Store giving it to me for free.  I remember when it came out and it had a bit of a buzz around it for being essentially "Dark Souls with Guns" but while also having a solid multiplayer com.  Well I didn't try the multiplayer component and let me tell you, Remnant: From The Ashes is the worse than bad, it's fucking boring.

The game is set in some kind of post apocolypse where you are tasked with getting to some island that's protected by a big storm in order to stop The Root, tree people that seem to enjoy human murder.  What follows is, a shameless Dark Souls clone with the twist being that the game focuses on ranged combat which, at first, starts out somewhat interesting.  For the first few areas of the game there's some degree of intensity to the gameplay.  The enemies are dangerous and resources are scarce so exploring the environments for healing items and ammo boxes so that you can free up your currency for upgrades is fun.  But then, after a boss or two, things start to go downhill extremely quickly.

As you kill enemies and gain experience you gain "trait points" which you can put into a variety of skills in your menu.  The most obvious thing to do is max out HP and stamina because having more numbers to get hit and dodge with in a game where damage values are so high is pretty valuable.  Once you do this, however, and max those values a lot of things in the game become trivial and when the challenge starts to die in a game like this, it's the beginning of the end.

What then makes things even worse is that after the initial area of levels set on Earth, you are transported to different, alien worlds on your quest to stop the Root and it's when you get to these areas that a lot of shit in Remnant is re-used.  In the desert area known as Rhom I think I went through the same dilapidated set of corridors about 6 times.  Not as backtracking during exploration, I mean that on the foward path, en route to new areas, the same indoor environment had been copy pasted that many times but just with the enemies shifted around slightly.  It was in this world, the second of 4, that I basically vowed to stop exploring anything because having to endure the same area over and over again was just mind numbing.  

Not that the vow I made meant anything in the end because not only is area re-use up the wazoo but after the first area things get extremely linear.  Like, Final Fantasy 13 levels of linear.  By the end of the game I was rushing through every zone just so I could get to the final boss as fast as possible and I STILL managed to find a ton of rings and trinkets that I basically had no use for because there are two very good rings and then a bunch of trash which will just take up space in your inventory.  

What makes the game completely unbearable though is how, after a certain boss in the second world, the game becomes COMPLETELY braindead.  One of the bosses grants you a beam rifle weapon that is so significantly better than every other weapon that you get your hands on that regular enemies won't even have a chance to get near you, let alone hit you with anything.  It also makes bosses a completely joke because you just aim and hold down fire which allows you to dedicate 100% of your brainpower to dodging the incredibly easy to avoid and heavily broadcasted attacks that they do.  By the end of the game, between trait points making everything a joke, overpowered weapons and boss design that felt like the devs just gave up, you're playing Remnant in a sort of mindless haze that fails to engage or entertain in any way at all.

There is a heavily emphasized multiplayer component that I didn't touch because who the fuck is playing Remnant: From the Ashes in 2024, really? but I can't image that having an extra person in my game would make things any more fun.  It would just be a second drone to mindlessly beam down all the enemies with and, if anything, would make procedings even easier.

So in closing, I fucking hate Remnant.  I always say that bad games have value because at least in getting mad about them or finding them funny in some way you are getting something out of it.  But Remnant is boring.  A game that you will play, finish, feel nothing while playing it and then never think about it again after the credits roll and that is way, WAY worse.  A truly miserable game made by truly soulless people to ride an action RPG wave they didn't understand.  Sad and embarassing

The Worst Battle Theme Of All Time

 

Metaphor ReFantazio is an upcoming game with a stupid title from the boys over at ATLUS that I'm actually quite exicted for.  It looks like a neo-persona game, right down to the main chracter and Mitsuru-elf but its set in some weird fantasy kingdom full of monsters that look like abstract paintings come to life.  I'm avoiding most of the news and updates regarding it, as I do with most games, so that when I do get my hands on it I'm not tainted by hype or marketing but one thing crossed my path from this game that's so batshit that I can't help but want to talk about it.

A video popped up in a Megami Tensei group I lurk in that featured the games battle theme.  I'll embed it here so that you can hear it for yourself. 

At the start it sounds fine, just a sort of generic orchestra dollar store tier Nier wannabe music but then the male vocals kick and it sweet mother of baby Demifiend what the FUCK is that actual shit?  It sounds ridiculous.  Maybe if it was some kind of real world language being used then I might not think it so laughable but it just sounds like some guy doing opera gibberish.  It's distracting and sounds fucking awful, I have no idea how I am going to be able to take any of the combat seriously if this starts playing every time I get into a fight.

But when I look at the comments for this track, people seem to be praising it but I have an idea as to why I'm having such an adverse reaction to it.  Back when I was a child there was a panel show on British television called Shooting Stars.  The hosts of the show, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer would sometimes do a "club singing" round, where Vic would sing a very distorted and silly version of a song and the contestants had to guess what it was.  Example below

And this is the problem, when those vocals kick in for that battle theme all I can see in my minds eye is Vic Reeves fucking club singing.  Hell, given the pace and the flow of the song it almost sounds as if it's Vic Reeves club singing the rap from Persona 3's Mass Destruction.  So maybe if you're British and of a certain age then the Metaphor battle theme will tickle a very silly bit of your brain and if you aren't then maybe it sounds just fine.  That's my theory as to why I and a few of my friends have had such an adverse reaction to it.

To give credit where it's due though, its certainly a memorable song.  Nobuo Uematsu came out recently saying something along the lines of modern game OSTs being a bit boring and I agree with that statement.  There's tons of games with great soundtracks all the way up to the PS3 but I don't think there's many current or last-gen games that you could name where I could just instantly start humming or singing a tunes from their soundtracks, it's all become sort of orchestral mush.  Even games that have good soundtracks like Final Fantasy 7 have them ruined by this grand orchestra bullshit as seen in the likes of Remake and Rebirth.  When I think of JENOVA, my brain defaults to that glorious, high energy PS1 version and not that absolute white-noise trash found in Rebirth.  So despite me calling it the worst battle theme of all time, it at least stands out.  It's so silly that I sometimes find myself in the kitchen singing it as I cut meat and vegetables for dinner, it has wormed its way into my brain and will not leave.

Either way, maybe in the context of the game it won't sound as silly and I'm not about to let Vic Reeves of all people ruin my enjoyment of an upcoming release.  Let's be honest, anyway, you know and I know that I'm gonna be singing along to this shit when I inevitably stream it anyway.  Bring on October, I can't wait.

Shogi Is Impossible

 

Back when the Corona pandemic was in full swing there was a bit of a Chess boom.  A few content creators went hard during the lockdowns, some interest was whipped up and a bunch of people starting playing Chess a bit more seriously to pass the time.  Me and a few of my friends also go swept up in the Chess hype and now I like to fiddle with a few puzzles or a game of bullet pretty much every day.

On Stream, one of the segments that I am doing is playing every single Yakuza (Now "Like a Dragon", a lame, overly direct translation of the Japanese title) to at least 75%.  If you have played a Yakuza game then you will now that in order to score some of those sweet, sweet completion points you are required to engage with at least a few of the mini games.  Now I thought, with my new found 1000-ish rating Chess skills I might be able to adapt to Shogi pretty easily and score some easy percent.  Well I was very fucking wrong and Shogi is completely impossible.

On a surface level, the two games are extremely similar.  You have pieces that have different ways that they move, a king that you must lock into place in order to win and a system of upgrading pieces when they get to the opposite end of the board.  Well that's the first big difference because in Chess its only pawns that upgrade when they hit the back rank.  In Shogi, getting a piece, any piece, to the back 3 rows or so allows you to flip it and upgrade it.  These upgrades aren't just into higher tiers of pieces like pawns becoming queens or rooks, they gain a whole new set of movement and if it wasn't for the video game versions of Shogi that I stick to showing me the valid moves I think I'd have hard time remembering it all.

But the large amount of basic shit to remember is just the very tippy top of this fucking iceberg.  The thing that really makes Shogi impossible for me to comprehend, the thing that fucks me up basically every time I play, is the ability for you to play pieces that you have taken back to the board instead of making a move.  Losing a piece in Shogi isn't just you losing strength in your forces, you are handing your opponent ammo to use whenever the fuck they like, takes and exchanges have to be considered way more carefully than they do in chess.  It adds a layer of strategy to the game that is deeply fascinating and that I don't think I will ever be able to get my head around.

It's not just me that struggles with this shit either.  I have lost the link (if I find it I'll edit the post) where there was a Chess grandmaster talking about Shogi.  He said that Chess GMs usually end up eating shit if they try to play Shogi but Shogi players can adept to Chess pretty easily.  However though, apparently Shogi players giving chess a try will absolutely fall apart and shit their pants in Chess endgames because of the lack of ability to put shit back on the board.  It was an interesting chat and I wish I could find the video again to share here, maybe one day.

But this post isn't me complaining about Shogi as much as it's me sharing my reverance for the game and the people who are good at it.  I suck at it, I'm clearly too caveman to understand it on a deeper level but with that said, I sure as shit will keep trying my luck against the easy CPUs in the Shogi halls of the Yakuza games.

Grandia 2: A Deeply Flawed Classic

 

Not too long ago I finished Grandia 2 on the Dreamcast.  It was a game that I had beaten before a long time ago, probably during my high school days, on the PS2 and giving it a revisit in 2024 almost felt like playing it for the first time again.  While my memory of most of the story beats were pretty hazy, going in I remembered pretty vividly really being sick of it by the end and unfortunately by the time I reached the end of the game, that memory had turned out to be correct. 

The game follows the adventures of Ryudo, a "geohound" (a sort of monster slaying mercenary, I think) as he accompanies some chick from the Church of Granas as they go on an adventure to put an end to an evil god called Valmar.  On the way they meet a burly furry, a little boy and a robot and together they have to deal with all manner of evil as they go around beating up Valmar's individual body parts that have been locked away in seals.  It's a simple story with plot twists that you could see coming from several thousand miles away even if you had just suffered massive head trauma in a car accident but for the most part it gets the job of pushing the player from dungeon to dungeon fairly well.  

The game has a number of cool things going for it, mainly in the combat department with one of the most interesting implementations I've seen of the standard ATB that I've ever seen.  Instead of just waiting for a bar to fill and then taking a turn, all enemies and party members in Grandia 2 share the same ATB meter.  The meter is split into two sections with a wait mode and a command mode.  When your character reaches the command line you tell them what to do and then they will either execute right away if you're doing a basic attack or there will be some charge time if you're doing a spell or special move.  What makes this so interesting is that both you and the enemy can knock you out of your command with certain skills so aside from the usual strategizing that one does in every RPG of what to use and when, there's also a timing element to all your decisions.  There was one major boss fight, which I won't spoil, where it had an extremely damaging attack that could bring all of my party members to near death in one go except he was never able to pull it off after the first time because every time I would see him charging it up, I would knock him out of it.  The move I would use to do so would deal less damage, but not having to waste time healing up every time he did it made the fight, overall, much more efficient.  Grandia 1 had the same battle system and the only game I can think of outside of these two examples that does something similar is 2014's Child of Light that basically ripped off the battle system wholesale from Grandia.  

Usually I like to shit on English voice acting in modern games because most of the people that seem to work in that field have about as much vocal talent as a used up kitchen sponge but Grandia 2 has some decent performances going on in the dub.  Mainly because the majority of the main cast is made up of Metal Gear Solid voice actors such as Cam Clarke and Kim Mai Guest as well as many others so even though the script in the latter half of the game is so painfully cringe-worthy I nearly turned myself inside out, its softened by at least having voice actors that are easy on the ears.

But Grandia 2 also suffers from a lot of issues.  The writing is a big glaring one where it seems OK at first but then turns into a 14 year olds first story in the latter half but the gameplay is where most of the bullshit in this game goes down.  The dungeons are short, boring and uninspired.  There's a few cool ones but the vast majority of them require no thinking and don't even have that much in terms of explorability so after 5 or 6 of them they just become sort of grating.  Not to mention that whenever Ryudo has to climb a ladder or push a block the animations for these things are PAINFULLY fucking slow.  You can go and find a life-partner, have a child, raise the child and watch your child graduate university in the time it takes for Ryudo to push a cube a few inches or in the time it takes for you to watch the party climb up or down a ladder one by one.  Thankfully its not to prevalent throughout the game but any dungeon with cubes or ladders can go fuck itself.  

Another big issue is the grind.  You don't NEED to grind to get to the end, for the most part you can just get a couple of things and get to the end if you want but who plays RPGs like that really?  The game throws so many skills, spells and passive abilities at you that all need to be upgraded using coins you get from combat that if you wanted everything you would be grinding for HOURS.  At first I was trying to upgrade everything to max before moving on but the amount of coins needed to stay up to date was so insane that I ended up just finding one battle strategy that worked and then telling everything else to fuck off.  I didn't even unlock a single one of burly furry mans skills except for his first one that could knock enemies out of there charge time because the amount of coins I needed for Ryudo's "win the game" button along side the passive skills to make sure he doesn't eat shit was just too much.

The combat though is where one of the games biggest problem lies though.  As interesting as the battle system is, almost every skill and spell in this game is accompanied by a long, unskipable cutscene of the magic flying around the battle field doing its thing.  I was playing via an emulator for the Retro Achievements and even with the power of emulator speedup, by the time I was at the end of the game I was about ready to eat buckshot for breakfast if I had to watch that fucking ZapAll spell effect again.  This is true for enemy skills too so while you can kind of make regular combat not as tedious by only spamming regular attacks and the early skills with short animations, if an enemy wants you to watch a 90 second cutscene of the sun exploding then you better hope to fuck your cancel skills are ready or your time is being well and truly wasted.   It's a fun bit of spectacle at the start but by the end of the game you'll be begging for a way to skip them.

But despite all of those complaints I did genuinely enjoy my time with Grandia 2.  It's deeply flawed in a lot of ways but its charming and cozy.  Maybe it wouldn't appeal to todays RPG fans who are far more used to either extremely dull real time combat found in the likes of modern Final Fantasy or snappier turned based systems found in games like Persona 5 but if you're willing to exercise a bit of patience then Grandia 2 is a generally pretty good game that's worth checking out. 

One Google Search Is All It Takes

 

We all like to rag on a game journo from time to time.  Despite being members of enthusiast press they often don't seem very enthusiastic about the things they are writing about.  However upon my travels around the internet it seems that it's not only video game press that consists of hack writers that probably failed English in high school and the world of Table Top also seems greatly affected.

Despite how steeped I am in Shin Megami Tensei video games I had no idea that this rule book for a table top game even existed.  To be fair, almost all of my table top gaming experiences to this day have been extremely negative so its something I tend to ignore and turn my back on.  Anyway, the game is called Shin Megami Tensei: Tokyo Conception and its based on, obviously, SMT 3 Nocturne and was originally released in 2004.  It even has a supplementary book called the Amala Labyrinth or something that adds even more shit to it.  It seems pretty cool and if I could find a table top group that doesn't make me want to fellate the business end of a shotgun then I'd be extremely down to give it a try.

So in swoops Chase Carter of Dicebreaker.com and to his credit, the majority of his article isn't even that bad.  He mentions that there's other SMT table top systems and these things have been around since 1993 which was an interesting fact I didn't know.  Pretty much exactly what I wanted that hack at Gamespot to do when talking about Helldivers (http://identitygaming.blogspot.com/2024/03/gamespot-being-embarassing-again.html) although he then does proceed to refer to the game as Tokyo Connection and Tokyo Conception so maybe a lack of reading is how such a fucking awful headline happened.

"Shin Megami Tensei tabletop RPG based on Persona's video game series" is what it reads and if you know anything about Shin Megami Tensei even just in passing you'll know that what is written here is just WILDLY incorrect.  Just in case I have to spell it out for you, Shin Megami Tensei is the mainline series and Persona is the spinoff.  It's not so much that the information is wrong that gets to me, its that this guy is supposed to be a contributer to this niche interest website and yet can't do even the most basic bit of research to get things correct.  One google search is all it would have taken to know that SMT is the main one, Nocturne is the 3rd game and the Conception is the event that happens at the start of the game which kicks of all of its events.  Its literally on the fucking Wikipedia page and takes about 4 seconds to look up.  Even if you didn't want to look it up you should know that the headline is just wrong because Persona 3 and 4 both had "Shin Megami Tensei" in the fucking title.

If I was willing to be charitable to Mr Carter here I would say that, at best, he's a click harvesting little fuckhead.  Persona is undeniably, at this point, the more well known and more popular arm of SMT so using that in the headline is probably more likely to draw traffic to the rag he's writing.  However I'm not willing to be charitible so I'm just going to assume he's a lazy piece of shit.  You're a niche writer for an enthusiast website.  A website where I imagine its members spend all day pretending to be half-elves while jacking off to pornography of bears or whatever the fuck you weirdos are into.  You aren't so busy that you can see something like this and not look up the absolute basics of what it is and what is is about.

If you're going to take the trouble of writing for a niche topic or in this case, a niche interest within that niche topic, make sure you do it justice.  Instead of just shitting out a crap article to earn a quick couple of bucks why don't you take some time and actually write something helpful to people who may be interested.  But let's be honest, Chase Carter doesn't really give a fuck about what he's doing and gives even less of a fuck about SMT.  Farm clicks, get money and move on

A fucking sad way to exist

Cave Appreciation Post

 

If you were to ask someone who their favorite game development studios are you might get a couple of standard answers.  Square Enix, Capcom, Rockstar, Nintendo maybe Naughty Dog if the person you are talking to is a braindead twat and Activision Blizzard if the person you are talking to is into findom.  However if you talk to someone who's interested in the extremely specific niche of bullet hell shooters the one name that might come out of their mouth is Cave.

Established in 1995 Cave are probably the single most recognizable name in the genre of bullet hell.  Kicking things off with Donpachi back in 1995 Cave's shmups have a unique style and feel to them where you can recognize them right away.  Some of their biggest titles include Donpachi and all its sequels, Mushihime-sama, ESP. RA. DE and Deathsmiles.  For a couple of their lesser appreciated games I would suggest checking out Guwange and Progear as well.   

While shmups are Cave's bread and butter it isn't the only kind of game they have ever put out.  Semi-well liked snowboarding game Steep Slope Sliders was developed by them as well a number of driving games including one Japan only title which I think is about delivering soba noodles to an office?  Its called Delisoba Deluxe and I watched a longplay and couldn't quite work out what the fuck was happening but that seems to be the premise.  They even have what I think is a Tokimeki Memorial clone under their belt called Princess Debut which seems very off brand for them but when I looked up a video to see what it was all about the comments were like "OMG SUCH A GOOD GAME!" and "SO NOSTALGIC" so I guess it resonated pretty well with a few youngin's at launch.  

The one thing that actually blew my goddamn mind was that, apparently, they worked on fucking Shin Megami Tensei Imagine Online of all goddamn things.  If you aren't aware SMT Imagine was a free to play MMO that, was maybe a little barebones but I'm enough of a sucker for MegaTen to have sunk a fair few hours into it.  It shut down and was then kept on life support by some fans running a private server but because the business-men over at ATLUS are fun-hating turbo cunts they shut that down too.  I guess Cave are too busy making more DoDonpachi games to give a shit but I wish someone would bring it back or even just make a new one.

Now that you have read this post you are required to go and play a game made by Cave.  I suggest ESP.RA.DE if you like top down and Progear if you like side scrolling.  Doesn't really matter what you pick in the end anyway because its basically guaranteed to be a good time

Gamespot being embarassing again

 

I don't usually read gaming news websites but every so often an article from one of these rags will come across desk and I was absolutely stunned when I saw the headline of this one inparticular written by one George Yang. 

I had to do a double take when I first saw it and read it slowly.  Helldivers was a game that came out in 2015 that I didn't play.  It was a twin stick shooter with online co-op about shooting stuff, I didn't give a fuck about it.  The game has a lot of positive reviews on Steam, netting it an overall Very Positive rating and yet I have never met a single person either online or in real life who has played it and until its sequel came out, I think a vast majority of the gaming public didn't know what the fuck it even was.  Then Helldivers 2 comes out and the game explodes in popularity and granted, after looking up some gameplay for this post, it does look kinda cool.  I'm not personally a fan of doing online co-op, I'm not into games that are multiplayer focused but it looks like a good time.  It looks like Earth Defense Force.

The first Earth Defense Force game came out on the PS2 back in 2003 developed by a company called SANDLOT and was released under the SIMPLE series.  The SIMPLE series was a collection of budget games for various systems where the number in the title indicated their cost.  For example EDF1 was released under the name SIMPLE 2000: THE 地球防衛軍 MONSTER ATTACK in Japan, the 2000 in the title meaning that the game cost 2000 yen.  This game actually got a western release under the title Global Defence Force and involved shooting a bunch of bugs in third person.

Now I'm not particularly good at doing maths but Helldivers 2 came out in 2024 and I'm pretty sure that is a long time after 2003.  I'm pretty sure, Mr Yang, that your title is the wrong way round.  The title of the article makes it sound as if EDF 6 is cribbing off Helldivers 2 despite not only the series being much older, but Earth Defence Force 6 coming out TWO FUCKING YEARS PRIOR in Japan.  What makes it even more frustrating is that he knows this fact and gives this half assed little paragraph at the bottom of the article about the original EDF but only talking about how the name changed a couple of times before finally settling on the Earth Defence Force title.

This is frustrating in two ways. The first, is that George Yang is such an insipid, crap writer that he's name dropping Helldivers 2, a hot trending game, to drive clicks.  But whatever, that's not exactly uncommon practice in 2024.  What's more frustrating is that George had an opportunity here to educate some people on some gaming history.  "Earth Defense Force 6, the game that helped inspire Helldivers 2, delayed to summer" could have been the article.  He could have spent more time talking about the simple series, EDF and letting people know about a cool series that might have not known about prior.  And let's be honest here, the kind of people who are reading Gamespot are the kind of people who have the most surface level knowledge of gaming, these are the people who could maybe use a little nudge into something about more lower budget and unknown. 

I had a look through George's article history and inspid unseasoned-chicken style writing seems to be his bread and butter.  You're a fucking writer for an enthusiast press outlet, George, why don't you fucking act like one.

Bellend

Consoles Feel Utterly Pointless

 

Back in 2020 the PS5 relased and with a sort of poor lineup of launch games I told myself that I would wait for there to be a better lineup of games before jumping on, also hoping to capitalize on a price drop as reward for my patience but we are now 4 years in and I'm staring Part 2 of the Final Fantasy 7 remake right in the face and I still can't bring myself to buy one, it just doesn't feel worth it at all.

The big problem is exclusivity of titles, it's just not really a thing anymore.  Any game that I think looks interesting on PS5 will, at some point, end up on PC sooner or later.  The one exception to this might be Demon's Souls Remastered but who gives a fuck about that game, really? I'm not about the drop a couple hundred bucks on new hardware and go through the rigmarol of finding space for it under my TV stand and going through all that setup and updates just to re-play a game that I already played to death back in 2009.  Timed exclusivity isn't going to get me to buy it either, the hype surrounding FF7 Rebirth, at least for me, died forever ago and watching streams of the game now that it's finally come out leaves me thinking that not rushing out to get it was probably a good decision.   The Switch sort of deals with this problem by locking a bunch of its games exclusively to that, forever, but a lot of Switch games run like ass-dick and probably would be better on PC.  I'm quite happy, for example that Shin Megami Tensei 5 is getting a PC release so that all the stupid performance hiccups can be squashed and I can play a version of the game that is distractingly shit in the performance department.  Deadly Premonition 2 is another example of a Switch game that saw vast improvements by coming to PC.  Put that stupid fucking rectangle with its flimsy controllers in the trash and just make games for PC instead.

In current day Consoles, to me at least, feel like shitty toys that are aimed at people who have the tech literacy of a 4 year old or actual 4 year olds.  Redundant pieces of hardware sold almost entirely on brand recognition than actually being useful as an entertainment device.  It never USED to be like this, PC gaming and console gaming felt like two entirely different things that offered entirely different types of games.  Look at the libraries of the PS1 and the PS2, for example, and then the PC games that were also being released at that time, there's a little crossover, sure, but it felt like owning a decent PC AND those consoles was a good idea if you wanted to experience the best of everything.  The other thing to consider was that PC gaming back then certainly felt a bit more cumbersome.  It wasn't like today where you can just download a game off steam, click go and it goes, there was usually some form of troubleshooting involved to get the game working and so consoles shone in that department because being able to just slap in a disc and play was great.  But not only is PC gaming significantly easier now in most cases but you can't even just slap a game in a console and play it anymore.  Mandatory updates and subcriptions to bullshit like PS+ and Switch Online hounding you at every turn make the experience very annoying.  Do you want to play Dead by Daylight on the PS5 where you must also have to pay an additional subscription to PS+ to do anything other that the tutorial?  Or do you wanna play on PC where you can play online as much as you want and there's no additional fee to pay on top of your internet bill?  I know which one I'd pick.

Crap libraries, shitty ancillary services that you are pretty much forced to buy into to get full functionality and the fact that you can have a better experience on a more versitile piece of equipment means that consoles are fucking pointless.  Maybe there will be a Switch 2 or a PS6 in the future but unless the landscape of console gaming changes drastically the whole thing can just fuck off

Donkey Konga: The Worst Rythm Game Ever Made

 

No genre is free from it's trash entries and rhythm games are no different.  If you had asked me what I thought was the worst rhythm game before playing Donkey Konga I might have said Parappa The Rapper.  But despite my extremely low opinion of Parappa as a rhythm game, I can appreciate it as being one of the first and the music absolutely fuckin SLAPS but then Donkey Konga comes along and shows me first hand what a really trash rhythm game looks like.

I'm not the kind of guy to get really hung up on UI.  Unless the UI in a game is particularly unreadable or badly made then its not the kind of thing that will even cause a blip on my critical radar.  But right out the gate, the first thing thats very noticable when you hit the start button is that Donkey Konga's menus feel cheap.  This is a first party Nintendo game, featuring one of the companies biggest mascots that's been around since 198 fucking 1 and it has a menu screen that looks like something you'd find on some shovelware bullshit that you'd find at the bottom of a bargain bin, thrice discounted to a dollar.  Zero effort put into these menus at all.  One of them is even called "DK City" or something, the area where you use coins to buy new music and stuff and I thought it make take me to a fun little jungle island interface but no, just the same shit garbage menu to buy nonsense.

But that's just the menus, in the actual rhythm game itself the UI is also trash.  There are 4 types of notes, a left hit, a right hit, a double hit and a clap.  The notes are an obnoxiously bright shade of red and yellow so when you're playing on the harder modes your eyes start to strain trying to read the chart.  There's also no options for speed mods which makes reading charts a pain in the cock but the only reason this isn't more of a problem is because the game is piss easy and even a newborn that's been dropped could clear the highest settings.  Even worse with the UI is that the feedback for successfully hit notes is fucking bullshit.  In literally every other rhythm game that exists there is some feedback for telling the player they hit a note.  Usually the note will vanish and you'll get a little mark that tells you your accuracy, like in DDR you get Marvellous or Perfect or whatever.  In Donkey Konga, though, when you hit a note you get get feedback mark but the note KEEPS FUCKING SCROLLING past the hit zone.  That's behaviour entirely reserved for missed notes, what the fuck.  Not that getting distracted matters even in the slightest because the game isn't tracking full combos anyway.  There are 3 ways to end a song.  Fail, which I have never seen, pass with a silver crown and pass with a gold crown.  The only difference is if your life bar at the end of the song was full or not.  You could go away from your bongos for 75% of a song, then play the last stretch perfectly and end on a gold crown.  It's like the complete opposite of IIDXs failing with a AA rank, it's fucking bullshit.

But all of this is just set dressing, the most important thing is the music right?  Well guess fuckin what? That sucks too.  Nursery rhymes that would even make its target demographic eye roll, terrible covers of pop songs including the worst versions I have ever heard of Another One Bites the Dust and All the Small Things and weird old shit for grandad.  The only good tracks on the game are the Pokemon Theme Song and the DK Rap.  When you're rhythm game has only 2 good tracks in it that is probably  more than any shitty UI and toddler grade peripheral will ever be.

The most frustrating thing about all this is that the template was done for them already.  Donkey Konga isn't even an original idea, it's a straight rip off of Taiko no Tatsujin just with the Japanese drums replaced with bongos

Taiko is great too, it's good good music, plays great, looks great, there's a reason that it's been around for so long and is a staple of basically every arcade, even the shit ones in shopping malls and sports centers, even to this day.  All Nintendo had to do was make it like that and instead we got this low effort, lazy, poorly thrown together dollar store knockoff.

Donkey Konga is bar far the worst rhythm game ever made.  Even the biggest arcade rhythm flops like Museca don't even come CLOSE to this level of shittiness.  An embarassing title from Nintendo that makes a good case for maybe not all video game preservation being a good thing. Fuck this game and fuck anyone who worked on it. 

The Real Problem With A Massive Backlog

I have an absolutely staggering backlog of unplayed games, easily in the quadruple digits.  This is not a flex since I don't care about game collecting per se, it's just a problem that's been festing in the background of my life since I've been old enough to have some kind of disposable income.  Even when I moved to Japan and a big chunk of my physical collection got nicked in transit, thanks to the likes of Steam, Good old Games and now Epic giving me free shit that event barely put a dent in my never ending to-play list.

The most obvious problem with a big backlog is time, a real too many games with too little time situation but I don't feel like that's too huge a problem for me personally.  Sure, I'd love more time to game but I get through a decent number of games every year, usually within the triple digits no problem so it's a pretty minor factor.  Another slightly less obvious problem is decision paralysis that one gets from having so many games to choose from.  There have been instances where I'm trying to decide what to play next and have just sat looking at my steam list or flicking through my discs for hours without being able to land on a single thing.  It usually ends up with me picking nothing and doing something else for a bit before I can decide something.

But no, the real problem comes with me being a massive idiot and not remembering what games I have bought already.  The other day on my travels through Nagoya I came across a small used goods store which I decided to have a quick peek inside because sometimes these places have cheap games to buy.  I was right, and there was a tiny shelf of about 6 PS3 games and a couple of PSP games, all for 200 yen each.  Most of it was crap, multiple copies of some Gundam game I don't care about but I did come across a copy of Front Mission Evolved.  I have heard its not that good and I know its not your usual SRPG that Front Mission usually is but for 200 yen, less than a can of Red Bull or a pack of fried chicken at Lawson? Hell yeah I'll give it a go.  When I get home though, I'm going through my Steam library and there it is, Front Mission Evolved on PC sat right there in the list, I already owned the fuckin' thing and because I have so many games and I have long since forgotten what I've bought already I now own two copies of this potentially shit game.

This isn't a recent problem either, back in my high school days I bought Diablo 2 THREE fuckin times.  GAME, the UK version of Gamestop or whatever, would stock copies of it for 5 pounds and I would see it on the shelf and go "oooh! Diablo 2 for a fiver? I'll take that!" only to get home and find it on the shelf by the computer.  What I probably need to do is make a list on my phone of all the games I own so that next time I'm looking through a used game shop I can quickly scroll through it and confirm I don't own it already before checking out.  Although with the staggering number of games I own and a complete lack of motivation this will never happen 

So that it's.  The biggest problem of having a massive backlog of games is that it turns you into an idiot.  Front Mission Evolved isn't the first duplicate game I've bought and I can PROMISE you, it won't be the last

Go Play a Toriyama Game Today

 

In some absolutely soul crushing news today, it turns out that Akiratoriyama, an absolute legend in video games and anime, has died at the age of 68.  I remember when I first came across his work around the time I was in middle school when Dragon Ball Z started being aired on TV and his work has been hovering around my life in various capacities ever since.  Hell, even right now there's a Dragon Quest Monsters towel with a bunch of monster and character designs of his adorning it pinned to the wall behind me as I write this post.  This guy was such a massive force in the field that even people like my wife, who are WAY outside of any of those interests knew who he was an the impact he had.

During his life he was quite the busy guy in the field of video games.  The most well known of it by a wide margin is Dragon Quest with Chrono Trigger following close behind but he worked on some other games that you may not have heard of or played.  The one that sticks right the fuck out in my mind is Blue Dragon, an RPG that sadly remains locked to the 360 and didn't review particularly review very well at the time but back then next gen JRPGs were a bit hard to come by so this scratched a particular itch and the effort was very much welcomed.  While the OG Blue Dragon is locked to the 360 there were a 2 sequels made for it on the DS so maybe those are easier to obtain and certainly easier to emulate if you chose to go that route.

If RPGs aren't your speed though he also worked on some fighting games.  You may think I'm about to list off all the Budokai and Tenkaichi Dragonball games but I'm not and of course I'm talking about the legendary Tobal No1.  It might not look much nowadays and it plays stiff as dick but it hails from a time when fighting games actually had content to experience so comes with a full on adventure mode that involves running around mazes and fighting dudes for experience alongside the regular 1v1 fighting.

The one thing I discovered while taking a quick glance at his wiki page for this short appriciation post is that he worked on a game called Fantasian.  Fantasian looks like a pretty standard JRPG but it's got a fairly unique visual style as all the environments are made out of hand-crafted dioramas instead of 3D graphics and that alone is enough to get me interested enough to give it a go.  Unfortunately it's been locked to the apple arcade for YEARS but maybe, in light of the news, I'll bite the bullet and give it a spin because I'm not sure when or even if a PC port is happening.  I'm not going to look it up in advance, I'm going to see if I can guess which diorama is his as I play then look it up at the end.

Japan and the world lost a legend today, 68 is far too young for anyone to be pushing up daisies.  Fire up some of his games, read some of his manga, watch some of his anime, put some respect on the mans name

Nintendo are Scummy (and quite stupid)

 

Another day, another instance of Nintendo being complete fucking dirt.  Thanks to some nasty lawsuits from Nintendo, Switch emulator Yuzu has been completely taken down.  If you go to their site right now you are sent to a, admiteddly quite funny, message from the developers that reads like a hostage being fed lines from their captor with a gun to their head about how the project is dead and they didn't intend any piracy.  It's not just Yuzu that has been baleeted either, Nintendo 3DS emulator Citra has also been completely removed and is no longer avaliable for download, which in my opinion is considerably more of a problem than the Yuzu takedown.

Now to some degree I get it, the Switch is a current piece of hardware and Yuzu was being used to pirate various games by some users.  Not only this but the Yuzu team had a patreon and were making some decent cash off the emulator which some theorize to be the big reason why the lawyers got involved and why, at least at time of writing, Ryujinx is still alive.  There is also no denying that some people were using the emulator to pirate games, Nintendo are well within their rights to take this stuff down.

But there's a problem.  The first problem is that while I can understand Nintendo taking umbridge with ROM and ISO sites, Emulators aren't JUST for piracy.  For example I have a large collection of PS2 games that I bought back when I used to collect games extensively.  My actual PS2 is being kept in a shoebox in the store room of my house right now so just being able to pop the disc copy of the game into my PC and play it via PCSX2 is an absolute godsend.  Yuzu wasn't a piece of software made for piracy, no emulator is, they are made for convenience and preservation and Nintendo just decided to shit all over that for reasons I cannot comprehend

The other problem is that the Switch is a piece of fucking garbage.  The controllers suck, the pro controllers are overpriced and the system can barely handle its own games.  For example, the last big game I played on my Switch was Shin Megami Tensei 5, a game exclusive to the system AND YET suffered from massive frame drops when entering the fucking menu along with a bunch of other performance and visual hiccups.  My joycons have suffered from drift and the system feels like shit to play in "portable" mode and looks like shit when its displayed on my TV.  People who were using Yuzu to get a better resolution or not have their games run like trash don't deserve to be inconvenienced like this because of couple of fossilized scumfucks in Kyoto are mad they can't win a lawsuit against Palworld so they take it out on some emu devs.

I wrote a post about it previously before I had heard about any of this but emulation of systems and games is the single most important thing we have for preservation.  Nintendo won't fucking do it, if anything they keep closing down stores and services so that tons of games become just flat out unobtainable and unplayable outside of emulation or overpaying for hardware and a used game that they don't make any money off.  You can argue that maybe I'm overreacting a little because some other person will come along eventually and make a different Switch emulator in the future when its less relevant but the fact that a company is so willing to spit in the face of these efforts is just scummy and infuriating.

The funny part, the part that makes Nintendo seem a bit stupid and short sighted though, is that if you do a quick Google search for Yuzu or Citra, you will now find quite a large number of people flocking to uploads of the emulators in order to start using them (and probably pirating some games in the process) now that its ease of avaliability is dissapearing.  I found a certain webpage that had Citra and Yuzu avaliable for downloads and between a bunch of comments saying simply "fuck Nintendo", there were some users saying "I had never heard of Yuzu before but after seeing the news I decided to download it and try it out".  Does this count as the Streisand Effect?

Nintendo can throw their little tantrum and ruin a couple peoples lives, sure, but they aren't ever going to be able to stop the Emulation train.  The more Nintendo do this kind of thing the more people will start to think that its morally acceptable to pirate their shit, and not just their old shit either.  While they are probably a company that's too big to fail and have too many mindless fans that will give them millions of dollars for actual trash I can dream that one day all that good will will run dry and they will be forced to shutter their doors forever

Fuck Nintendo, haven't been good since the SNES

 

Does a Good Video Game Movie Exist?

 

I was reminded this afternoon of the existence of the new Mario movie, a movie I refused to see on principle because it was made by actual trash-lords Illumination.  You cannot convince me that a movie made by the people who are responsible for The Minions existing are able to create something entertaining when the film they are creating only seems to serve as fanwank for children to excitedly point at and go "I KNOW THAT REFERENCE!"

In fact, I can't think of a single video game movie that I have seen that is even remotely acceptable.  Silent Hill might be one that comes sort of close but the story is so fucked in that film and the Pyramid Head cameo so uncerimoniously shoe-horned in that it falls short.  Maybe if it wasn't called Silent Hill it would be a sort of slightly above average horror movie but slap that brand recognition and it becomes unbearably stupid.  Advent Children may also come close but I've not seen that movie in many many years and the only thing I do remember is the fight choreography and the antagonists were constantly asking where their mother was like a lost child in a supermarket.  In an example of one I've not seen I have been told by people who's opinions I don't really take seriously in the first place that the Uncharted movie is pretty good but Uncharted was already ripping off a movie (Indiana Jones) in the first place so turning it into a movie again feels a bit daft.

I don't even understand this obsession with wanting games to have movie adaptations anyway.  The idea that I get from people is that having a movie come out for a game somehow legitimizes gaming, or at the very least that title, as a "proper" artistic medium but that's bollocks.  Who gives a fuck what stuffy old film makers think of gaming, why do people care about their validation so much?  The alternitive is that people just want to mindlessly consume more crap pumped out by a thing that they like which is equally, if not more sad.  I understand wanting a movie adaptation of a book, having the things written on the page that exist only in text brough to life on a big screen.  It's fun to see if how you envisioned the events in a book play out the same way on the screen.  But gaming is already a visual medium, gaming already has titles like Metal Gear that are basically like really long movies anyway but where YOU get to control all the cool gun-fighty and sneaky bits, you don't need a movie.

But maybe I'm wrong, maybe the adaptations of games I have seen thus far have just been bad picks.  Maybe Uncharted is great, maybe Five Nights at Freddies is the best horror film ever made (lol), maybe the Uwe Boll House of the Dead movie isn't complete gutter trash (double lol).  So to test this idea, I will spend the rest of 2024 watching as many video game adaptions as I can, both movies and TV shows.  There's an Onimusha show that dropped on Netflix kinda recently actually so maybe I'll start there.  Also there's movies and a series, I think, of Persona which is basically already an anime anyway so maybe that can't go too wrong either.

I'll probably come back here and write a little blog post about each one as I watch them so watch this space, my quest for a good video game movie/TV adaptation begins today