Parasite Eve: Bigger Than You Thought

Parasite Eve is one of those games that isn't so widely known I feel.  The first game was a sort of action RPG affair and the second game played a bit more like a survival horror title with RPG elements. They were both pretty good and while the 3rd game on PSP was a little bit shit its absolutely a series worth checking out.

However what some fans might not know is that Parasite Eve is a bigger series than they might think.  This is especially true if you lived in the UK because we never got a PS1 release of the first game which is really weird.  Allow me to fill you in on a bit of extra series background that you may have not known about.

The first game was released in 1998 in both Japan and America for the PS1 and that's where you think the series started but you would be quite wrong.  Allow me to introduce you to a dude called Hideaki Sena

This guy isn't a game developer of any kind but a pharmacologist.  In fact, right now Dr Sena currently gives lectures on microbiology in Sendai, Japan but the other thing he likes to do is write books and the most famous book he wrote was titled Parasite Eve.

I can't give you a plot synopsis because I've not read it but if you head to the wikipedia page for the book there is one there.  This book kicked off the series back in 1995 and after the books success Square teamed up with the books publisher and created the first game which is actually a direct sequel to the book.  From there we got all the entries that we already know about which are the two PS1 games and the 3rd Birthday for PSP.  However, there are two more pieces of Parasite Eve media that you possibly didn't know about

There's a collection of Parasite Eve manga books, the first of which (pictured above) is based on the novel while the ones that followed were based on the games.  These were published in 1998 and as far as I know, have never seen an English release.  At this point I'm sure you might want to go online to see if there's a fan translation but at time of writing I've not been able to find one.  Even the google image search shows a total of 0 images with replaced English text so if you want to read it, it'll have to be in Japanese.

The other thing is a movie, of course based on the book, which I have also not seen but it has a 5.9/10 on IMDB so it can't be THAT bad.  It's actually not that hard to get hold of so give it a watch if you get the chance.

The last time we saw some Parasite Eve content was in 2010 with the painfully average 3rd Birthday and since then it's been a little bit forgotten.  It would be nice to see some new content for the series but maybe better to let it rest while the majority of the stuff produced for it is still good.

Dragoneers Aria

Here's a game that I doubt all that many people have heard of but one that I've, at time of writing, just finished playing.  It was released in 2007 as a PSP and while it isn't the worst RPG you could ever play it sure is pretty fucking bad.

In this game you play as typical JRPG girly man Valen (who's name is different if you put the voices in Japanese) as he goes on a quest to save the world from an evil black dragon.  On the way he meets a bunch of other characters which include a girl in a mini skirt, a loli and an elf who fills the role of grumpy magical ass wipe.  From there you fight through a typical JRPG plot that is so cliche if that if I tried to go into any more detail on it I'd probably fall asleep at my keyboard.

Falling asleep during play seems to be the main feature of this game because when you aren't suffering through the badly acted and predictable story scenes you're contending with it's incredibly slow turn based combat.  It's one of those games where you put all the commands in for each character before a turn starts, which is fine, but then the animations that play for each command feel like they are being fed to you through power point and on top of that they sometimes have to load which makes combat an absolute chore.  The interesting thing about the combat though is that all the characters have a shared mana bar which builds up as you hit things with normal attacks and then any spell you cast comes from that shared pool which makes strategizing each long boring turn at least a little bit interesting.

The game also has a magic system similar to Final Fantasy 7 where you slot your equipment with Mater...I mean Lusces and each spell levels up individually.  The problem is, the other type of skills that you get, the dragon skills, are just generally better in every way and all the magic outside of the heal and physical buff are useless.  There's also a crafting system which I never used because all the gear you get from shops is good enough to bash stuff around the head with and you have to go so far out of your way for materials it's almost never worth it.

One feature that sounded interesting was the games "Dragoneer Mode" where you can team up with 2 to 4 people via the wireless LAN to raid dragon nests for items and experience however in combat you only control your one character rather than an entire team.  However I never got to try this feature because I have more chance of finding an alchemical formula to turn my shit to pure gold than find another person who owns this game.

Not a terrible game but extremely mediocre and filled with useless features and game play mechanics you'll never use.

Sony Slim Woes

I'm not the kind of person who treats my shit badly.  I try to store everything the best I can and my systems will, at worst, get a little dusty.  However for a few years now I've been having constant problems with the slimmed down version of Sony products.  I own a slim PS3, a Vita 2000 model and a slim PS2, so lets work our way through that.

PS3 Slim

To be fair, this one has behaved pretty well.  I bought it in 2011 or so, used, and it's been pretty much perfect.  I've carried it half way across the world from Japan to Sweden and then back to Japan again and it works just fine.  Despite being the "slim" version it's still sort of big and bulky so I guess that's why I'm not having any trouble with it.  I did have an issue where the controller would just randomly start pushing buttons on its own but this just kind of went away on its own.  I have no idea what caused it and no idea what fixed it but I'm just happy I can play my games.  That's more of a controller issue than a system issue anyway.

PS2 Slim

I bought this guy a few years ago when I came back to Japan long term.  Generally speaking it works pretty well but there was one issue about a year ago that pissed me off pretty hard.  My wife fired up the thing to play Kamaitachi no Yoru 2 with her friends where the system just wouldn't make the disc spin.  The fucking thing wasn't recognizing that the drive door was closed so the disc wouldn't spin and therefore you couldn't play the fucking game.  I realized that inside the system there's a little switch that gets pushed down when the door is shut and for some reason this wasn't being pushed.  I put some tape on it which remedied the problem but I had the original PS2 from pretty close to launch and used it all the way up to the end of university with no problems, this thing is just built like shit.

Then there's the issue of the controller which for some reason will just start going right and won't stop until I smack it.  I have a new controller that seems to work well now though and once again that's more of a controller issue than a system issue and could be because I bought it used.

PSP 2000

Now this fucking thing has been a problem since I bought it years and years ago.  I probably should have traded it for a less defective fucking thing but I was too lazy and now I'm paying the price. 

The first issue I had with this thing was dead pixels in the screen.  A red one and a greenish looking one  which should have set off alarm bells in my head but they are in such unimportant parts of the screen that I didn't think anything of them.  While annoying in any part of the game that goes bright white, generally speaking they aren't noticeable but it's frustrating that they are there.

The second issue is a bit more serious.  During game play I will randomly get the grey "Do you want to quit the game" message despite the fact I've not touched the home button.  The button itself isn't sticky and I think it has something to do with a little switch behind the UMD door but I have no idea what the fuck is going on really.

Then a few days ago I went about 10 minutes down the road to a place with my wife, took the thing in my pocket.  I didn't fall down, run or jump on anything and yet when I arrived at the place and took it out for a spin, there were some strange transparent lines going down the left hand side of the screen.  Play it for too long and I get graphical distortion and more lines and a quick google search seems to indicate that the fucking thing is dying.

---

So if I've learned anything from this experience it's that slim type Sony products are a bunch of shit with the exception of maybe the PS3.  I know that when I go and buy a new PSP in a couple of days I'm going right back to the PSP 1000 with its metal frame and bulky ass case.  Reliability over portability from now on.

Metal Gear Acid

Even though I beat this game a while ago, it's taken me more than a month to actually get on the blog and talk about it because it's just a bit shit.

"No way!" I hear you say, "There's no way in hell a bad Metal Gear Solid exists!".  Well before you start getting upset with me for slagging off Metal Gear, I'm not, I love Metal Gear but MGA is a fucking mess.

Story wise it's a pretty classic Metal Gear setup.  There's a bunch of terrorists who have invaded some place and they are after something that isn't called Metal Gear but is blatantly Metal Gear and it's up to you to stop it.  Since I'm writing this so long after finishing it I've kind of forgotten some of the plot.  Mainly it involved Metal Gear, some shit on a plane and child experimentation but the fact I've forgotten the plot might clue you in to just how forgettable and lack luster it was.

But the story isn't the reason Metal Gear Acid is a fucking mess.  No, the story is just a bit dull but it's the gameplay that really makes this game just unenjoyable.  In case you're not aware, Metal Gear Acid isn't played like any other Metal Gear game because this is a card game.

That's right, a fucking turn based CARD game.

 You have a deck of cards that fall into different categories such as weapons, items, actions and special effects that are represented by different characters.  Every card is used to move around the board and lets you move 3 spaces, while special movement cards will allow for greater movement.  Every card also has a cost, so the better cards cost more to use and that means that you have to wait longer between each turn.

Now the reason this game is a load of bullshit is because everything you do is dependant on what kind of cards you draw.  It's fine at first but there are certain points in the game where you NEED specific cards to do specific things and if you don't get lucky and draw your card then you'll just be sat there discarding shit for 5 or 6 turns until the card you eventually DO want shows up.

An example of this is there is a level where you are required to snipe flying cameras so that you can cross a bridge.  By that point in the game I had maybe 3 or 4 sniper rifle cards available, but I lost the mission multiple times because the game wouldn't give me the fucking cards to use, so they would just eventually move into my half of the map and spot me, calling a bunch of guards to enter the level and fuck me all up.

Now I guess you could just say to me "well why didn't you go and get more sniper rifles then?", but the problem with that is the only way to really get more cards quickly without having to tediously grind out old levels is to buy booster packs.  A booster pack gives you 3 cards, and usually it gives you 3 shit ones.  Through my entire playthrough I only got one rare card in a booster and the rare was so shit that I ended up never using it.  The one good thing about the boosters is the variety in the packs.  For example, at the start you only have access to Metal Gear Solid 1 themed cards, but as you progress you unlock MGS2, 3 and even Metal Gear 1 and 2 themed cards, so if you're the kind of person who enjoys collecting digital cards then you have a lot to work with here.

I'm being overly harsh when I say Metal Gear Acid is a fucking mess, but it's certainly frustrating and sometimes VERY unfun to play with certain levels being made an absolute chore by the games fucking stupid card thing.  Still though, it's a unique take on the Metal Gear series and maybe the sequel that I've not played is way better, so it's at least worth a quick go on your PSP.

Ys 1 and 2 Chronicles

This was a game I finished months ago, while I was still in Japan, and I can't believe it's taken me this long to get round to talking about it.

Ys 1 and 2 Chronicles is a remake of an old Japanese PC-88 game that was released for PSP and PC on Steam.  The game follows a dude called Adol as he goes on adventures to save the lands of Ys from various nasties.  It's a huge series spanning over tons of games, so if you're looking for a place to start Ys 1 and 2 Chronicles is a good place.

Before I go into talking about the actual game, let me spend a moment talking about the name.  One thing that really REALLY pisses me off, and I don't know why, is the way some people pronounce the name.  In Japan, the title is written イース which is pronounce "ee su", so that's obviously the most logical way to pronounce it in English.  Yet despite this, there are still TONS of people who prounounce it like "whyz" or "Y.S.".  This wouldn't bug me so much if the series was new, but it's been going since 1987, you think fans would have figured it out by now.

Anyway, stupid pet peeves out of the way, Ys 1 and 2 are actually really good games.  It would be wrong to call them RPGs despite all the levelling and stats that are involved.  It's more like an adventure game where you're looking for the right item to rub on the right thing but instead of just pointing and clicking on things you have to fight bosses at the end of a set of puzzles.

Being an old game, it does suffer a little from the "what the fuck do I do" syndrome, but everything you need is given to you in the game, you don't NEED to resort to Gamefaqs to beat the game.  Speaking of it being an old game, the remakes come with remixed music but you also have the option to use the original PC-88 versions of all the tunes and the game actually has a really good soundtrack both remastered and in its original bits and boops.

The combat in Ys 1 and 2 is the strangest thing about the game.  You don't fight things by swinging a sword and hitting things, you fight by simply running into enemies like a big red haired Beyblade.  What's important in this game when it comes to combat is the angle in which you hit an enemy, so attacking from the side or behind means that you take no damage, but smashing something head on means you might take a nasty hit.  It's actually quite a cool way to do combat and it means that if you are backtracking through an area, you don't have to stop to fight anything since you can just barrel through them.

The games are also quite long as well, so you get quite a lot of value for a pretty cheap price.  Ys 1 is a little on the short side, but the idea is that Ys 2 is like part 2 of the first story, they just carry on, so really Ys 1 and 2 are just one game.  I read somewhere that the reason for this is that the games had to be split due to the limitations of the PC-88 back when it was first released, so when they are released now they are packaged as one thing because that's what was originally intended.

Anyway, if you're looking for a little RPG/Adventure thing to sink your teeth into, give Ys a go.  If you do end up enjoying it there are a ton more games as well, so you won't be struggling for a Ys fix anytime soon if you are new to the series.  Steam has 3 Ys games for quite cheap, including this one, so I suggest you fire it up and drop on this classic adventure series.

Visual Novels! Not Games, Still Fun

I think a lot of gaming enthusiasts are aware of these but I doubt many pay much attention to them since they can just go play proper games instead of spending 5 hours glued to a screen reading.

That said, the whole visual novel thing is something I've been trying to get into for a while now as I've been told there do exist really good ones.  You see, my view on visual novels is a little skewed since all I ever see from the genre on store shelves for the PS3/PSP are stupid, semi dating sim love stories set in high schools.  Either that, or stupid shit like Milky Holmes which looks so insufferably annoying I couldn't bare to sit down and translate the damn thing.

So I've been making careful picks and I'm actually quite impressed with the results I've had so far.  I've played 2 in Japanese and 2 in English and I've enjoyed them enough to be arsed to seek out more.  The two English visual novels that I played were 999 and Lux-Pain both on the DS.  999 is pretty well known for it's quality and Lux-Pain, while having a terrible English translation still had quite an interesting premise.  The two Japanese games that I've had a crack at are Silent Hill: Play Novel and Kamaitachi no Yoru which are both extremely interesting if a little difficult for me sometimes,  Mainly due to lack of Kanji ability

I've also heard good things about Dunamis 15 and Steins Gate which are titles I really want to try.  The problem is that if you want to play the really good ones then quite a good command of the Japanese language is required.

I want to go into more detail about these games in individual posts but the game play across the board is basically the same.  You have a story with choose your own adventure style choices at certain points along with minor puzzling so that you're really not just reading a book on your PSP or DS.

So to anyone who may dismiss the VN because of it's lack of game elements, I'd urge you to give them a try.  The good ones are actually really interesting and I would easily recommend 999 to anyone as it's one of the best ones with an English version.

Watch this space for more detailed articles on individual titles.

Patapon

You know it saddens me that games like Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 get all the praise it gets when it's just another bland military shooter, and then games like Patapon barely get any attention at all because it's got cute characters and gameplay that doesn't involve shooting things in the face....

My bitterness aside, Patapon is a game on the PSP that I've been playing recently that is sort of hard to put into one genre.  It's kind of a strategy game, kind of an action game and kind of a rhythm game all at the same time.
So the deal is that you are an drum playing God known to the Patapons as "Almighty", and using your drums you must guide your Patapon army to a place called Earthend so they can go and visit a thing called IT.  The Patapons pilgrimage to see IT is sort of their entire purpose in life, but there is a rival clan called the Zigatons who have their own prophecy that involves stopping you no matter what.

It's a cool plot and considering I've not managed to beat the game yet I'm genuinely curious as to see if the Zigatons were at all justified in trying to wipe me out.

So the game play involves playing drums in rhythm to assign actions to your Patapon army.  For example "Pata pata pata pon" (square square square circle) will make your army move foward on the 2D level.  Other combinations of pata, pon and chaka will do different thinks like attack, defend, charge up etc.  Between levels you are taken to a camp screen where you can change equipment, make new Patapons for your army or play rhythm mini games for bonus items.

It's a simple game but that doesn't meant it's easy because this game will fucking kick your ass sideways if you're not well prepared and cunning in battle.  If you think you can just advance and attack your way through the game you will be wiped out faster than the blink of one of your little dudes eyes.  This thing is hard and requires a great deal of preparation and planning before you can beat the later story missions, but when you do it the feeling of achievement is great.

So if you have a PSP and you have not played this, go fucking do it.  If you can't find this but you can get hold of Patapon 2 or 3, go play them as well.  I've not had much experience with the sequels but they can only get better really.

That PS4 Announcement I didn't Watch

With me living in Japan and time differences being what they are, I didn't see this conference thing which was Sony giving a little talk on the upcoming PS4.  That said I've done some reading and poking around and here is what I've discovered.

1. It's going to be really quite pretty

Well it better fucking had be.  It'd be a bit of a shock if the PS4 came out and it looked WORSE than a PS3 somehow, this isn't news.

2. It has integration with Facebook and UStream

OK, the UStream thing is kind of cool.  Apparently the controller has a "share" button, where you can upload shit to Ustream for all your friends to watch, which is a potentially cool feature.  Facebook however, needs to fuck off.  Granted that I fucking hate facebook and use it as no more than a glorified chat service to keep in touch with buddies in different countries, but I don't need to broadcast every fucking game I'm playing to my news feed.  Fucking stupid, Facebook and video games should NOT mix.

3.  The controller has some kind of funky sensor thing in it and a touch pad.

I don't see the big deal here, it's a fucking controller.  As long as I push buttons and the game does things I want it to, then I'm happy.  The light bar and the touch pad are all great and stuff but I don't know how these are going to be used yet, so whatever.  At least this one has a mic jack so you don't have to use those fucking blue tooth headsets.

4.  You can use your Vita as a screen.

As someone who owns a Vita, I'm quite happy that I can now take a shit and continue whatever game I will be playing on my PS4 if and when I get one.

5.  You can resume play right away after turning "off" the system

This isn't news either, PSP has been able to do this for yonks, who cares?

6. Something to do with Gaikai cloud gaming

I didn't give a fuck about OnLive and I sure as hell don't give a fuck about this thing.  Maybe it'll be cool but I'm just not interested when I still have a PS1, PS2 and PS3 with plenty of games sitting around.  A feature I don't need, but I'm sure some people will be happy to have.

Obviously I have not mentioned the games but Diablo 3 being announced was quite possibly one of the most disappointing things I heard.  But still, the features I'm aware of so far sound good enough.  I wouldn't say that I'm particularly hyped for the next Playstation, but things are shaping up to be pretty good at least.  Hopefully more will be revealed at E3.

Also I'm aware I probably missed some things, but I'm gonna keep reading around for more info.

The Japan Purchases (vlog)

So yeah, don't really need to write anything here since everything I want to say is in the video, so have at it

Castlevania Series Run: Dracula X Chronicles

Well it's been a while but I finally did it! I finally got round to beating Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles for PSP.  This is going to be another gushy post about this game because it's fucking AWESOME

So for those that don't know, I'm going to explain what this game actually is.  If you remember a while ago, I made a ranty post about how much of a colossal shitfest Dracula X on SNES was.  Well this game was the original game that they butchered, but with a graphical face lift and a ton of other extras. 

So the game itself is basically everything we've experienced with previous Casltevania games, but refined and perfected in order to produce a platforming masterpiece.  The level design for this game is top notch and the bosses at the end of each stage are original and fun to fight against.  The branching paths make a return from Castlevania 3 but this time round they actually have a big impact on the outcome of the game.  Also there is a companion but I'll get into that later.

One complaint about this game is that it's a little bit too easy, but I don't really think that's the fault of the developers dumbing it down or anything.  Whenever I go online and look at forum posts about this game, there is a large number of people talking about how hard this game is.  The reason I probably think it's so easy is that I've been playing so much Castlevania that I've probably just gotten really good.  So to sum up this point, if you're a veteran CV player, you'll breeze through it, and if not, you'll get your ass kicked.  Either way it's still really fun.

But now we have to address something that is quite a glaring problem with this game, and that's your companion.

 That's a picture of Maria from the original PC-Engine version of the game, you can see her redesign on the box at the top of the page.

Anyway, this bitch right here, is too fucking powerful for her own good!  You can get her really easily, really early on and after you get her she will just destroy the fuck out of anything Dracula can possibly throw at you.  Compared to the main character, Richter, her attack is faster, she has a double jump and her item crushes are so overpowered it makes my face melt.

Now this isn't a bad thing, it doesn't ruin the game, but I have some problems with her from a storyline point of view here.  Richter is supposed this seasoned vampire hunter, with a legendary whip made for killing Dracula.  He's supposed to be a bad ass, but in the context of the game, his combat power is dwarfed by a small girl who shoots doves.  I'm aware that Maria is also supposed to be a vampire hunter too but c'mon, talk about stealing the spotlight here. 

Once you get her there is basically no reason to use Richter AT ALL unless you're doing the secrets.  Her attack is faster and you get no sacrifice in power, her double jump is extremely useful and shes a hell of a lot more nimble than Richter is.  The only disadvantage to using Maria is that every time she attacks, she makes this annoying "EY!" sound.  I think she might also have less health, but shes so fucking fast you'll never get hit anyway.

Well I'm not going to talk about Rondo of Blood itself, because it's not really all that different from any other Casltevania game prior, but what I am going to talk about, is the insane replay value in the PSP version.  There is SO MUCH SHIT here that even if you paid full price for it, it's worth every goddamn penny.

So lets go through all the big shit that you get with this game.  You get the Rondo of Blood remake, then you get the original PC Engine version of Rondo of Blood.  On top of that you get a full version of fucking Symphony of the Night! I mean holy shit that's another HUGE game just packaged in with an already meaty Castlevania game.  Finally you get some piece of shit parody game called Akumajou Dracula: Peke, but that takes about 30 seconds to play.

On top of getting an extra 3 games on top of the game you originally paid for, the remake itself contains a shitton of extra music CD's to collect that all count to a completion %age.  So if you're like me and you can't put a game down without getting the 100%, then you'll love finding all these discs.  Plus the music is awesome so they're worth getting anyway and you do need to use Richter for a couple of them, so just roflstomping your way through everything with Maria is not an option.  Finally there is a hidden ending after you fulfil a few requirements, so once you've beaten the game, you have a reason to go back.

To cut a very long story short, this game is fantastic and is easily one of the best games for the PSP.  So go pick it up and give it a whirl, you won't be disappointed at all.  If you don't have a PSP, then go emulate Rondo of Blood or some shit, because if you've not played it you're missing out.

I'll end this post with a picture of my 100% game just because I'm a dick and I like to show off

Sometimes Rage Quitting is OK

I hate to leave a game unfinished, so a rage quit for me is quite a rare thing.  Even games I have rage quit in the past and I know are complete garbage I have come back to at a later date, which is what makes this particular ragequit even more painful.

Yep, this is it folks, this is the last post you will ever see regarding R-Type Tactics for the PSP.

This is the last time you will see that R-Type Tactics logo for a long, LONG time.  This game is fucking arse and I can't be bothered anymore.  But what's strange about this ragequit is that it didn't come from a failure of a mission, or a bullshit enemy (of which there are a few) or anything like that, but I'm just....bored.

It's actually quite rare for me to get just flat out bored of a game, usually I quit for one of the reasons I listed above but this, this is just boring as all hell.  All the backgrounds look the same, the game is way, and I mean WAY too fucking easy but at the same time, it's also complete dogshit.

The mission that made me just turn off the game and never look back was in the 3rd chapter of the game, where you have to go around a black hole and kill an enemy flagship.  This mission isn't hard, AT ALL! the game makes a big deal of the black hole being super dangerous but it doesn't do anything, it just costs more movement to go near it.  There are arrows on the tiles that indicate that it would pull your ships that direction, but it doesn't actually seem to do anything.

On top of that, there are these bullshit enemy's that can fire lasers that one shot and the charge time for those lasers are ONE FUCKING TURN.  That means, every turn, unless you hit them on your turn, they can just blast the shit out of your armada.   That said, the mission is still a piece of piss and I cleared it no problem, just took a few more casualties than usual.

So yeah, no more of this crap.  Boring levels, boring ships, boring EVERYTHING.  Maybe I'll try again in 2 or 3 years...

Now that's some bullshit #2: Palette Swaps!

God.....

Oh god....

I just want it to end...........

But seriously, the reason I come with another rant about video game bullshit is because of R-Type Tactics AGAIN!  Fuck this goddamn game, it's so fucking boring but I'm too far in to just fucking quit, it has to be over soon anyway.

More to the point, I'm gonna be talking about palette swaps in games and why they're a load of shit.  Basically, look at the picture at the top, every single one of those are DIFFERENT FUCKING CHARACTERS in Mortal Kombat.  Now don't get me wrong, I like Mortal Kombat, but that is a load of ass right there.

You see, my problem with palette swaps is that it's just fucking lazy.  Sure, OK, maybe I'm being a bit harsh using Mortal Kombat as an example, they were trying to do the whole digitised thing and I guess they just didn't have the money to hire 6 different dudes as well as pay for 6 differently coloured outfits.  That said, this is still something that goes on TODAY! fucking palette swapping lazy bullshit.

In fact, while I'm ranting I'm thinking I can maybe forgive it in most fighters because a palette swap there is just a different outfit or whatever, but this goes on all the time in shit like RPG's.  If your going to make an RPG, the whole point is to have an interesting world to explore, and of course, in a big world of adventure every area is going to have its own species of monsters to battle, right? 

FUCKING! WRONG! Lots of RPG's do it but the worst offender I can think off the top of my damn head is the Final Fantasy series.  Now before anyone gets all upset that I'm ripping on Final Fantasy, I like the series.  Hell, despite being pretty stupid I did enjoy playing XIII and I've played pretty much every one to the end despite the heavily retarded stories in some of the later ones.  The one exception to this is 8...but that's another post for another time.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, RPG palette swap lazy bullshit.

 This little blue wanker here is a Flan, a common enemy in pretty much every Final Fantasy and this little bastard represents everything that's wrong with some design choices in RPG's.   These guys pop up in pretty much every single area but they change colour depending on what the area looks like (E.g Red ones in a fire area, blue ones in an ice area etc.) and it's just a stock, shitty enemy so that Square doesn't have to put that extra bit of effort designing an actual interesting fucking enemy.

But it's not just Final Fantasy that has a shit enemy like this that the devs can just lazily slap a new coat of paint on, it's pretty much every RPG ever.  But you know what? I wouldn't mind it so much if it was just the same enemy, but I'm supposed to accept that putting a new lick of paint on an old enemy makes it a new one?! yeah, fuck that!  But you know what? it's not RPGs that really bother me that much.  Sure, I'm ranting here but I don't foam at the mouth whenever I see an RPG palette swap monster really, what pissed me off today, was a boss in R-Type Tactics.

First of all, this boss pops up in the final stage of the 2nd chapter of the game.

First of all, all these fucking levels are the same.  Long boring tunnels filled with the same enemies and you can get through them by using the same strategy every goddamn time.  But the boring level design isn't what annoys me, that just puts me to sleep.

No what annoys me, is this!

That alien, is the iconic R-Type enemy.  I mean a quick google image search of "R-Type" brings up that guy, people recognise this boss quite easily.  So yeah, it was cool to fight him once near the start of the game as the first major boss battle in Tactics.

But then he turns up again, but purple.  Same attacks, same fucking stats, same EVERYTHING, he's just fucking purple, and this is what really got me.  So I did a wiki search, here is a list of the games in the R-Type series

• R-Type II (1989)
• Armed Police Unit Gallop (1991)
• Super R-Type (1991)
• R-Type Leo (1992)
• R-Type III: The Third Lightning (1993)
• R-Type Delta (1998) / US version (1999)
• R-Type Final (2003)
• R-Type Command (2007)
• R-Type Dimensions (2009)
• R-Type Tactics II: Operation Bitter Chocolate (2009)

(Good old wikipedia)

LOOK AT ALL THOSE FUCKING GAMES! Are you seriously telling me, that they couldn't have picked ANY of those games from the series and put a different boss at the end of that boring warp tunnel segment?! 

So they round off one of the most boring sections of any video ever with a boss recolour, well fucking done IREM, you're officially more boring than watching grey paint dry.

Oh and before I finish this stupid little rant, I can't believe R-Type tactics got a sequel, I feel compelled to track it down and play it just to see how they can further ruin a awesome shooter series by turning it into a shitty turn based strategy game.

R-Type Tactics Update!

So you remember a few days ago I made a post on what I thought so far about R-Type Tactics and how I thought I liked it but when I thought about it the game is actually a pile of shit?  Well even if you don't I've been playing it a bit more and I've come across something that has annoyed me even more.

You see, the amount I've actually been playing this game is quite low, partly due to being distracted by playing League of Legends recently, and partly due to the game being huge amounts of horseshit.

Anyway, lets play a little game of spot the difference, look at these 3 pictures I just took.

Can you spot the difference? NO YOU CAN'T IT'S THE SAME FUCKING LEVEL and yes, these are from 3 different missions.  Sure, the purple crap that makes you move slower changes shape over the course of the stages, but that does NOT make it a different goddamn mission.  Oh, and on top of that, the music is the same in each of these stages. 

This is just lazy on the part of the developer.  Sure, I'm warping a huge distance into the Bydo homeworld, but you do not need to convey the distance by repeating the same stage 3 times.  I've not even bothered to play the third one yet so there may even be a 4th.

I want to beat it, I don't like to leave things unfinished, but I'm THIS close to sodding the whole thing and just starting on Dracula X Chronicles instead.

R-Type Tactics

The next game that's been taking a pretty significant portion of my time is R-Type Tactics, which is a weird way to take the series I think.  For anyone who may not know, R-Type is a dirty big long series of side scrolling shooter games for various formats, most notably in the arcades so to see it appear as a turn based strategy game more than raised an eyebrow the first time I saw it.

Anyway, the story for this thing is that there is this huge alien army called the Bydo that's being ruining Earth's shit for a long long time and its up to you to get all your ships together and go wreck face.  It's a pretty minimalistic plot that tries to flesh itself by talking about the state of the Earth army and crap like that, but if you've ever played a shooter, you don't give a shit about the plot then and you won't give a shit about it now.

 I'm actually finding this game kind of hard to write about as now that I think about it, it's actually pretty boring.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy playing R-Type Tactics, but I can't ever do more than one or two missions in one sitting and by the time its over I'm pretty burnt out.

I think the problem is that there is very little variation in the missions and all the objectives boil down to "kill the enemy flagship" and on top of that all the maps are just expanses of space or boring orange looking interior levels.  Granted I've not beaten the game yet, there may be some cool looking levels coming up, but I'm pretty far and it's been dull as shit so far.

The second problem I have with this game, is the "tactics" part of the title.  I've used the same strategy every time and I've never even come close to losing a level yet.  Oh, and before anyone calls me out on my progress, I'm INVADING THE BYDO HOME WORLD, so that must be getting on to the last section of the game at least.  Every level I just scout, keep the bombers close behind, keep the fighters in the back until their charged and then let them rip, and that's it, missions usually over by that point.  That feeling of routine that has sunk in with each mission really makes me not want to play it for long periods of time, it does an absolutely garbage job of keeping me engaged.

The third issue I have with this game is the ships.  Here is an example of the Research and Development menu to build new ships.

Sorry about the image quality, I had to take it off my camera because I don't know how to get proper screen shots off a PSP, so whatever.  Anyway, unless you've played the game you have no idea how good or bad these ships actually are, but take it from me, apart from the bomber they are ALL garbage.  I refuse to even waste resources on a Orbit Fighter because it's going to be a load of crap just like the rest of them.  Oh, and that bipedal thing is a load of wank too, and that's the upgrade that I own down at the bottom.  It has like, 2 movement and can only melee, so yeah, fat lot of fucking good that ship is.  Finally, that bomber, is the most overpowered goddamn unit in any turn based game I've ever seen.  It comes equipped with a nuke, that just bodies whatever the hell you fire it at.  It never misses and it does HUGE damage.  So you keep a resupply unit on each of your bombers and your set for every mission.  Sure, the fighters get a super powerful charge shot, but it takes like 4 turns to charge so that can piss off too.

Anyway, one final issue I have with this game is the load times.  Loading between missions is OK, but occasionally the game will do that Advance Wars thing where it shows the groups of ships firing on each other.  At first its cool, as an R-Type fan to see the ships and bosses rendered in 3D but the problem is, the game has to load each sequence and it takes a LOOONG time.  You can add about 10 minutes of mission time just in loading time for those sequences so to make the boring missions go faster you end up just turning that shit off anyway.

Up there I said somewhere that I enjoy playing R-Type Tactics, but over the course of writing this post I think I've made myself hate it.  Anyway I'll slog through it and post some updates about the rest of the game later.