Sonic the Hedgehog Trailer

So the trailer for the new Sonic movie dropped and OH BOY what an experience that was to watch for the first time.

So I think everyone in existence who saw the design of Sonic for this movie recoiled at just how awful he looks in this film.  He just looks....weird.  I think what they were trying to do was to make him look "realistic" but now we have this..thing..that makes just a little bit of sick come up in the back of your throat every time you see him.  For me personally it's the teeth, whenever he opens his mouth and I can see his teeth it just weirds me out for some reason.  Whoever designed that and whoever OK'd that design really needs a slap upside the head.

But that aside, the trailer actually sort of impressed me.  It's not going to win any awards but if you go in expecting a dumb bit of fan wank based loosely on some video game source material this looks like a good bet to me.  Jim Carrey as Eggman/Robotnik really made that trailer for me, from those small clips I already really enjoy the performance he's giving out with it.  I mean, for a Sonic movie to be "true" to its source material all it really needs is Sonic, Eggman, robots and sonic destroying those robots.  In the trailer it shows Eggman chasing Sonic and some dude in a car where Sonic then gets out of the car and spindashes Eggmans vehicle causing it to fly off the road.  Sonic quips at him and then Eggman sicks some robots on him.  Can't get much more Sonic than that without making the movie just a 90 minute lets play of the first game.

For anyone who looked at that trailer and threw their hands up angrily like "oh my god what the fuck is wrong with these people?!" my reply to you is "what the fuck is wrong with YOU!?".  Video game movies have been shit since the dawn of video game movies.  Just because you ironically like the original Mario Brothers movie doesn't change the fact that it's a steaming pile of shit that has nothing to do with Mario.  I can hear people screaming at me now like "But Silent Hill is a good video game movie", which it's not.  Even the Mario Bros movie didn't misunderstand the source material quite as hard as that movie did, Silent Hill isn't just hot garbage but it's offensive hot garbage.  On top of that, don't forget the piles of boring, forgettable, shit video game movies like fucking Hitman and Warcraft that have come out over the years.

This will either be a good bit of stupid fun and be remembered for being so bad it's good OR it'll be a boring pile of nothing that everyone will forget about in 6 months after it's release.  I for one, can't wait to see it, I'll be in that line for the theatre DAY. ONE.

Sonic Runners

I really don't understand how Sonic is still going.  For YEARS they've just been pounding out shit game after shit game and yet there are still legions of fans for this guy.  There are still groups of people who actually get moderately excited for an upcoming Sonic game and considering the quality of these fucking things I have no idea why.

That's when I was surprised when my friend said to me "I've got this really cool new phone game" and when I peered into his screen I saw it was a Sonic title.  At first I just laughed and told him to get out with that crap but the next day I started to get curious so I ended up downloading it.

Sonic Runners is one of those auto running type games.  If you're not sure what I mean by that then it's a kind of game where you character just runs forward and all you have to do is tap/swipe the screen to avoid obstacles.  Quite frankly, the novelty of this genre ran out after a few days with Temple Run and yet I haven't deleted the game off my phone yet.

Game play is very simple; Sonic runs and you tap the screen to jump.  You have to collect rings and gems to build score, kill enemies and save little animals.  It never ends, you just keep going until you die and the longer you play then the harder it gets.  Once you build up enough points you can fight Dr Eggman which will net you some extra rewards.  There is also a story that unfolds as you beat each area but I find myself just skipping through it because I'm pretty sure the scripts to Sonic games are written on the walls by a monkey with the pen jammed up its asshole.

Outside of the running you have to level up your characters so that they get more score or item effects last longer or you can play a little roulette game to get companions.  The companions come in the form of Chao's or remote controlled objects and bestow various effects when equipped.

You can pay for a special currency so that you can continue when you die or buy new companions but the currency is awarded to you slowly as you play for free so they micropayments don't really get in the way of the overall experience.  Also the games doesn't throw constant "BUY THIS SHIT NOW!" messages in your face which is nice because the idea of paying money for an iPhone games makes me want to vomit.

So to conclude, Sonic Runners is actually pretty good and considering that it's totally free its worth a try at the very least.  It's probably the best endless running game I've ever played which isn't saying much but I guess that's one point in it's favor. 

Then again, you could just play one of the originals or Generations and use your phone for better games like Super Monsters Ate My Condo or Mahjong Mobile......just sayin.....

Sega! Drop Sonic and Revive the Following....

So, anyone who has played a Sonic game past Sonic Adventure 2 Battle knows that Sonic is basically a giant pile of steaming shit.  Even if the last few games have been passable, they still aren't anywhere nearly as good as they used to be.  All any Sonic fan ever wants is for Sega to release a good, fast Sonic game devoid of all his stupid fucking friends (except maybe Tails) but this never ever happens.

So it's about time Sega just admit it, they aren't going to make another Sonic game that will ever live up to it's legacy, ever.  So here is what Sega should do; drop Sonic and breath life into 3 dead titles and try to actually put some effort into making them so that all the long forgotten fans like me and many others can get mad hype and throw all our money into the Sega coffers.

So if they were to do this, which 3 titles should be brought back from the dead?  Well let me tell you!

1. Shenmue

This is a fucking no brainer, right here.  Just go and look at the recent twittering from tons of fans basically begging for a Shenmue 3.  The ones that aren't begging for a Shenmue 3 are begging for a Shenmue 1+2 HD Collection.  WHY ARE THEY NOT DOING THIS?!  If Sega released a Shenmue 3 and a HD Collection, they would be swimming in so much money that they would be able to afford to provide every employee with their own private jet and still have money left over to fund the other 2 games I'm about to suggest.  Seriously Sega, get a clue and get on this fucking project already, jesus christ man.

2. Vectorman

If you don't know what Vectorman is, you are seriously missing out.  This was a game released in 1995 on the Mega Drive and it was a side scrolling game where you played as a robot shooting the ever loving shit out of loads of other robots.  The cool thing about this game was that the visuals were really slick for it's time.  Cool backgrounds, some interesting levels, vectorman animated all cool like, it was amazing.  On top of that he had this thing where he could transform into different thinks like a robot fish, a drill, a bomb, a frog, a train...all sorts of shit.  There was a Vectorman 2 but that was America only so I never played it, and still haven't.  There was some talk of a Vectorman 3 for the PS2 but it looked fucking terrible so it got cancelled. 

So Sega, NOW is that time to dig out this title, go get a new developer to begin work on a proper Vectorman 3 and keep all that charm that the first game had, none of that grimdark "I'm a serious robot" shit you were planning in the first place.  3D is fine, but just make sure it looks and plays good.  I dunno, release it on the WiiU or something and let us customise Vectorman on the fly with the touchscreen or some shit, just get on it.

and finally! 3. Dynamite Cop

If you owned a Sega Saturn you may know of a game called Die Hard Arcade.  If you don't know Die Hard Arcade, here is a video of me and my friend being shit at it.

Man that was a long time ago....what a terrible video......

Anyway, Die Hard Arcade actually had fuck all to do with Die Hard and it Japan it was called Dynamite Deka.  Dynamite Cop on the Dreamcast was the sequel to Die Hard Arcade and known as Dynamite Deka 2 in Japan.  Now with that confusion out of the way, these games are great beat em' up games that need to be brought back. 

Make a classic 3D beat em' up like this, maybe add in some online co-op play, maybe a 4 player option, improve that combat systems and whatnot and there's a good modern game there.  It's been a long LOOONG time since we saw a proper beat em' up and it would be nice if this genre saw a bit of a revival in the next gen. 

I know that if Sega said they were working on a Dynamite Deka 3, then I'd buy at least 20 copies, just sayin.

So that's it, get rid of that blue idiot and bring back these 3 great games.  We get great games, you get boatloads of money, seriously, heed my advice!

Glitches and Cheating: A Short Speed Run Rant

Never would I have thought in my life that idiots on the internet would get to me as much as they have with this one, here we go!

Speed Running is a thing I have enjoyed watching for a pretty long time, but only very recently have I got into trying to do them myself.  If you look a few posts down from this one you'll be able to see the first full run I've put on They Bleed Pixels.

Anyway, no matter if you're into speed running or not, as long as you're into games like Half Life and stuff, chances are you have seen the insane runs from a group of people going under the banner of Sourceruns on YouTube.  Their Half Life 2 and Portal speed runs are insanely good and between them they have managed to produce some really good times.

Now if you hop on YouTube and watch these runs, you may noticed that they are glitched to shit.  Lot's of accelerated jumping round levels, going out of bounds and all sorts of funky stuff that allows them to beat the game as fast as they do, but this is where the problem lies. 

It's not just these Half Life runs, it's basically ever speed run that involves glitches ever but there is always some moron in a comments section complaining about how "the run isn't legit! they used so many glitches!  They are just cheating!"  This is complete horseshit and I'm going to explain to you people why.

First of all, what's the point of a Speed Run?  Well it's to get to the end of the game as fast as you possibly can without cheating or modifying the game in any way.  This has of course evolved over time so generally speaking, what's known as "any%" runs will be extremely glitched out in a lot of cases while "100%" may not be as glitchy, or glitches will be used to make certain goals faster rather than skipping huge chunks of the game.  This is not the same as cheating, such as using codes or other tools like game shark to give yourself an advantage in order to beat the game.

A good example of this difference really, is with Sonic speed runs.  If you've ever watched a Sonic run you'll see the runner zipping his way through the walls of the levels to reach the end of the stage as fast as possible.  This is NOT the same as using a level select code or level skip code or a no clip in a game genie password or some shit because you still have to actually PLAY the level.  There is a degree of skill required to shove yourself inside a wall at just the right pixel and at just the right speed in order to make the zip happen, and the only thing making is happen is you and the controller.  THAT'S the difference between cheating and glitching.

So bottom line really is if you're going to pass judgements on people's Speed Runs, clue yourself in on how fucking Speed Running works before you start slamming the keyboard with your stupid hands.  A lot of work goes into these runs and its infuriating to see people dismiss them for such a stupid fucking reason.  If you don't like Speed Running, then fine, but don't shit on other people just because people are enjoying games in a way that you couldn't even begin to understand.

Goddamnit

Is Hell Feezing Over? Sonic Dash Is Pretty Fun

Well I heard Sonic: Generations was pretty good but I've not played that so whatever...

Anyway! Sonic Dash was a game I downloaded on my iPod Touch in a moment of boredom simply because it was a free application and it had a character I recognised.  What I was expecting was another shitty Sonic game, just because he gets a game on mobile systems doesn't mean that will save him from shittyness.

What I got was something that was actually pretty fun to swipe away for short bursts while doing things like taking a dump or waiting for the bus, so it was a pleasant surprise.  It's not like this games success is all its own though, since it's basically a rip off of the massively popular Temple Run app but it does a couple things differently enough to differentiate itself.

Basically you swipe the screen to move, collect rings for upgrades and just try to build a high score.  You can then share your scores with your friends, most of which probably don't care, but the option is there in case you have a group of sonic lovers in your facebook friends list.

There are plenty of games on the app store that go around ripping off Temple Run but that game is pretty fun so I'll take a Sonic themed version of that over most of the garbage Sonic games that get released for big proper consoles.

Sonic fans can rejoice as Sonic Dash marks the second recent Sonic game that doesn't make people want to throw up and smash things in a fit of rage, but as fun as this is, mobile gaming is still a load of absolute bollocks so it's not like Sonic Dash will be remembered after a year or two.