Sunday, 7 August 2016

Why Walking Simulators Are Insufferable

A genre that we have touched on this blog previously is the Walking Simulator.  An example of Walking Simulators would be things like Dear Esther, The Stanley Parable, Gone Home, Everyone's Gone To the Rapture or Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs

If you've not played any of those games then allow me to describe to you what a walking simulator is.  In a walking simulator, there is very little to no actual game play.  No challenge, nothing trying to stop you achieve your goals and very little in terms of mechanics outside of "use WASD to move and mouse to click".  The idea of this genre is that it's trying to deliver a good story to you by giving you an interactive environment for you to explore and discover the plot for yourself.

Now there's a number of reasons I find these games completely unbearable not only to play, but to hear people talking about.  The big reason that sticks out in my mind is that they aren't even games really.  A game is something that has mechanics, win and fail states, a goal to achieve maybe even some competition, things like that.  These games don't do anything like that, it's sort of like walking through an art gallery but all  the artwork was created by piss-gargling twats who think they are being deep.  "Digital Art" would be a better way to describe these pieces of software rather than video games.  For some reason the fact that they are marketed as video games just sort of upsets me.

Another reason that I hate these games are the people who make them and the people who play them.  Let me just show you a picture of the people who made indie trash heap Gone Home

These people make me sick, that fucking tit on the sofa with his beard, floppy hair and trendy glasses.  Then next to him that woman with that "ooh look at how much better than you" I am look on her face.  I bet she looks down on ACTUAL games and laughs with all her shitty indie friends about how cultured and artistic they are.  Of course I'm being needlessly mean but this is the impression a lot of these developers give off but even worse than poncy developers are the fans of these games.  All of them are insufferable little twats who think that walking simulators are one of the best things to happen to all of gaming.  Criticising a walking simulator will lead to them going on and on and fucking on about how "you just don't get it".  People joke on the Internet about games being "2deep4u" but fans of this genre tend to take that idea a bit too seriously.

However the thing that really gets to me about these games is the fact that it just takes a giant shit on actual talented developers who not only care about making games but giving us great story experiences as well.

Just look at Silent Hill, a game with a story line LEAGUES better than anything these poncy cockrockets have come out with and yet still manages to be an actual game.  Hell, the story is pretty much what this game is famous for but there are still enemies trying to kill you and puzzles for you to wrack your brain over that keep in well within the land of gaming.

Or what about Shadow of the Colossus?! A beautifully crafted game where you have to kill a bunch of mountains in order to selfishly save some dead girl.  However the more you play, the more you start to realize that maybe you aren't the hero of the story but instead some selfish prick taking a bit shit all over nature just because you're a bit lonely.  You start to feel an actual sense of guilt and doubt, as if what you're doing isn't quite right but you push on anyway BECAUSE its a game and you have to reach the end.  Then when you actually get to the end you're left feeling like complete shit BUT despite the effect that the story may have on you, you still had a good GAMING experience.  When you get over the guilt of being a prick you can play time attack and things like that and enjoy the game from a mechanical standpoint rather than an emotional, story based one.

Or hell, what about Kamaitachi No Yoru

This is an old Super Nintendo title that isn't much more than a fucking book on a cartridge.  Yes, a game that consists entirely of TEXT pisses me off significantly less than the walking simulator.  This is because while Kamaitachi is nothing but text, there is a mystery at its core that simply playing the game and picking text paths willy nilly will not give you the answer for.  You have to pay attention to all the details of the story and then even when you figure out who committed the murder you THEN have to figure out how exactly to move through the game in order to get the best ending.  It's like watching an episode of CSI but instead of the criminal being caught at the end you have to re-watch the episode like 4 or 5 times catching every little detail and then YOU have to decide which bits of evidence to use and which people to talk to in order to catch the guy.

These are just three but there are tons of games like this, tons of games making a great effort to marry fine storytelling and gaming mechanics in order to create unique and memorable experiences.  Then these fucking idiots come along, make some shitty story and put it into some shitty interactive environment and then crown themselves the kings and queens of artistic gaming.

Go choke on your Vente Starbucks you insufferable bastards.

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