Just what the fuck......
I've seen some pretty bad movies in my time. I've also seen some really bad video game movies in my time, but this, THIS takes the cake. When you make a movie of a video game SO BAD that you make Uwe Boll look like a cinematic genius, you have huge problems.
If I was to try and list off all the things that were wrong with this movie I'd probably end up with a list so large that if you printed it on toilet paper the entire city of London would be able to wipe their arses for a week on that one roll. But the problems can be summed up with bad characters, nonsensical plot and an abundance of "why?" syndrome.
Lets start with the bad characters thing. The movie claimed that it was going to sort of follow Silent Hill 3, so you have characters like Heather, Harry, Vincent etc. but the problem is that NONE of these characters, NOT ONE! are how they are in the games. Heather acts like a fucking arsehole 100% of the time, Harry isn't dead, and Vincent has been reduced to a pretty boy love interest for Heather. There are way more problems with the characters than just that, but those three make up the unholy trinity.
The problem is that this movie is so NOT Silent Hill in any way, shape or form that these characters are just reduced to name drops just to give this piece of shit some kind of tenuous link to the Silent Hill. Even the monsters in this thing are a load of shit with not a single one being remotely scary and whats even worse is that you barely fucking see them. As shit as the first Silent Hill movie was at least Colin the toilet guy was sort of Silent Hill-esque and Pyramid Head wasn't just acting as evil fairground operator (although he really shouldn't be there at all)
So next is the plot, and I swear to god this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever written on this blog because the plot basically doesn't exist. The premise for the movie is that Harry and Heather are on the run from the cult because the cult want Heather back to do....something......so they kidnap Harry and Heather goes to Silent Hill and then some shit happens for some reason involving Not Leonard so she can get a magic quest item to do.......things........then she hugs her evil half to death and Pyramid Head has a fight with a monster from The Suffering. The End.
There is the chance I missed a few things because I was to busy making notes of everything in this film that pissed me off, but I know 3 or 4 other people who have seen this movie and they all say that the plot is all over the place and makes zero sense. It's actually rather hard to explain why it just doesn't work, like at all. It's like the narrative just spins its wheels in place for 1 hour and 20 mins then jets off and does doughnuts for about 5 mins and then spins and crashes into your favourite pet shop where you were going to buy that cute little puppy dog, so then you go home and cry into a bottle of whiskey until eventually you have no choice but fellate a gun barrel but your spirit lingers just long enough for you to realise that no one bothered to come to your funeral because they all disowned you after watching this FUCKING GODDAMN CRAP MOVIE
Sorry, went off on my own nonsensical tangents.
This has already gotten pretty long but the final point is the whole "Why?" syndrome thing I was talking about. Throughout this film, pretty much the only thing you will be thinking is "Why?"
Why is Pyramid Head operating a merry-go-round?
Why did they bother to reference this, that and the other?
Why is Heather so fucking stupid and unlikable?
Why did they have that pants on head retarded nurse scene?
Why did Pyramid Head suddenly start being a good guy? Why? Why? Why? Why? FUCKING. GODDAMN. WHY?!
The list goes on, but these aren't little nitpicks that can be ignored in the face of an enjoyable movie, they are big glaring problems in the writing that detract from an already shit film and I didn't even mention the bigger problems in the above list.
So yeah, that's it, I'm done. Remembering this movie just makes me upset, and I didn't even touch upon the thing in the ending that made me want to jump off my 4 storey apartment building. Just don't watch it, ever. If you did watch it and you thought it was good, you are wrong. Please give all your money to my charity and remove yourself from life.
I'm aware this is a long one, so here is a too long; didn't read version on YouTube